1974-04-01 The Auburn Tidesman

              Volume 80 APRIL FOOL University of Alabama at Auburn April 1, 1974 12 pages
AU absorbed into University of Alabama
By Gregg Lovelace
Tidesman Staff Writer
Auburn University and its ex­tension,
Auburn University at
Montgomery (AUM), have been
made branches of the University
of Alabama, Gov. George C. Wal­lace
announced at a faculty meet­ing
here Friday.
Auburn's name has been
changed to the University of Ala­bama
at Auburn (UAA), Wal­lace
said. The University of Ala­bama
system formerly consisted
only of universities located at Bir­mingham
(UAB), Huntsville
(UAH), and Tuscaloosa.
"This move has been in the plan­ning
stage for some time now,"
Wallace said, adding that he
hoped the consolidation wouldn't
hamper the traditional football
rivalry between Auburn and Tus-
Unknowns
abscond with
Tidesman ed
By Rhonda Greaser
Tidesman Staff Writer
Bill Wood, editor of The Tides-man,
was abducted early Sunday
from his home in Neil House
Manor by three unknown men.
The kidnappers contacted Man­aging
Editor Greg Lisby at the of­fice
later that night, Lisby said.
No demands have been made by
the three men, but Lisby believes
that the kidnapping was planned
by area theatre owners who ob­jected
to Wood's columns on X-rated
movies. "He had had several
threats in the past few weeks from
the group," Lisby said. "They felt
his columns made their late shows
unpopular with the intellectua
crowd, and that Bill inferred they
were only for rednecks."
Rumors say that Wood will be re­leased
only if the staff re­linquishes
their "streaking fund,"
approximately $15,000 they have
raised to hire streakers for the
campus. "We have talked it over,
and we just don't think it would be
worth our streaking fund to have
him back," Lisby said. "He was a
good editor in his time, but I really
don't mind taking over his du­ties."
The Communications Board
has named Lisby editor for the
remainder of the school year.
The kidnappers left a note at
Wood's home saying that they
would call the office and ask to
place a classified ad in the paper.
"We've been trying to answer all
those crank calls ourselves," Lisby
said. "But trying to put out a paper
comes first. Bill would agree I'm
sure."
When last seen, Wood was wear­ing
a dinner jacket, white ruffled
shirt and his tennis shoes, author­ities
have determined.
caloosa. "However, the eagle will
have to be phased out as Auburn's
mascot," Wallace said. "We are
having an elephant shipped from
Rhodesia to take War Eagle IV's
place but ya'll can name him 'War
Eagle,' if you like."
Auburn's colors will remain
orange and azure but the name of
the football, basketball, baseball,
track and the other teams-will be
changed to The Azure Tide. The
Auburn Plainsman has been re­named
The Auburn Tidesman and
will be published daily in a tabloid
format emulating the campus
newspaper at UA, The Crimson:
White.
Pres. Harry M. Philpott an­nounced
at the meeting that with
the consolidation, he was step­ping
down as president of the Uni­versity
and informed the audience
that Dr. H. Floyd Vallery, as­sistant
to the president, would take
up the presidential reins.
"We thought about this and dis­cussed
it for a long time and we feel
that Vallery is the best qualified
person for the position due to his
excellent work as University
Ombudsman during the past
year," Philpott said.
Wallace said Vallery's duties
ODK sponsored
would be assumed by Philpott un­til
his projected retirement or di­vorce,
whichever comes first.
"Mind you, this can in no way be
considered a demotion," Wallace
said. "This is the way Harry wants
it and we are obliged to comply
with his wishes."
It is rumored that Philpott will
accept the presidency of Oral Ro­berts
University when he retires,
but aides near the president,
specifically Ben T. Lanham,
vice president for administration,
and J. Herb White, director of Uni­versity
Relations, deny know­ledge
of any such plans.
Coach Ralph E. Jordan has been
promoted to assistant to UA foot­ball
coach and athletics director,
Paul "Bear" Bryant. In Tus­caloosa,
Bryant said, "I'm very
pleased to have Jordan join my
coaching staff. He is a man with
many brilliant, progressive ideas,
regarding hair rules particularly,
of which I plan to make valuable
Jordan will serve as Bryant's
assistant in charge of discipline.
"I believe the change will be very
beneficial to Auburn, er, UAA,"
SGA PRES. ED MILTON REACTS
. . . To Philpott's announcement
James Foy, dean of stud affairs,
said after the meeting. "Nothing's
really changed. This is the same
great school it's always been." Foy
then left and went to Toomer's Cor­ner
and practiced a few
"RooooolllllllllI Tide!!!!!!'s".
The only person who voiced
overt opposition to the consolida­tion
was Dr. Henry Dawson,
father of the Sand Hill Primitive
Baptist Church.
"It's immoral, you s.o.g.," he
cried in an exclusive interview
with The Tidesman. "I believe the
consolidation can only make a bad
situation worse. More vile smut
will flow into Auburn because of
the merger and I will be forced to
take my case to the national press
and the president of the U.S. of A."
Smudgepot streaks to revealing chats
%<• „m
SMUDGEPOT STREAKS
. . . To meet students
By Ruth Grinch
Tidesman Staff Writer
Tyke Wrong, president of ODK,
announced today that this quar­ter's
"Meet the President in the
Park" would be replaced this
spring with a "Catch him for a
Comment on the Concourse,"
featuring Harry M. Smudgepot
streaking every hour on the hour.
Students who can catch him and
make him stop long enough to
answer a question will be given the
run-around, just the same as al­ways,
Wrong said.
"I always tried to find the most
obscure place to hide, I mean stay,
during those meet the student
things," Smudgepot said. "But
somehow the little creeps always
found me. I just want to see one of
the smartalecky questioners catch
me."
Smudgepot has reportedly pre­pared
for the administrative
streak by running every night
around his back yard. "I even
bought some track shoes this
morning," he said. "I plan to have
one limousine driven by an ODK
member to drop me off at Com­mons
and another pick me up on
the other side. It'll be easier to
prepare for the run than for those
picky questions students usually
ask."
Dean of Women Doggie Mater
will be scheduled for the "Catch
'em for a Comment" series later in
the quarter, Wrong said. "It's just
not the appropriate thing to do to
leave the administration open to
attack the way the thing has been
in the past," Mater said. "This will
be a lot fairer. If anyone will catch
me, and I sure hope they try to, I'll
be glad, more than glad to answer
any questions. Just so they don't
try to trip me up, with their ques­tions
that is."
Smudgepot and Mater were
asked to streak for ODK together,
but Mater objected saying, "If I'm
to do this thing, I want the spot­light
on me, and no one else."
Senate backs ERA;
measure ratified
By Ruth Gutslaw
Tidesman Staff Writer
"We owe the passage of the
.Equal Rights Amendment to the
Auburn Student Senate," a spokes­man
for the Alabama state legis­lature
said early Sunday when the
amendment was ratified unani­mously
in a special session.
Letters sent to the Alabama
legislators from Auburn's Senate
reportedly "convinced" many of
the members of the House and
Senate to vote in favor of the
amendment.
"The voice of the Auburn
woman has long had a ruling
hand," Gov. George C. Wallace
said, "In fact, the student senates
around the state are beginning to
have more and more real political
power. What they suggest. . . we
usually do."
Jane Black, off-base senator
who first presented the resolution
stating that "the Senate hereby
supports the ERA and recognizes
the need for its passage and exis­tence,
whereas the Senate recog­nizes
the worth of women, where- '
as there are iseveral' women sena­tors
to placate with this resolu­tion,
whereas one of them knows
what the ERA is," made the follow­ing
statement: "It is important
that we have equal or better than
equal rights. I'm trying to get into
law school . . . you see the pro­blems
that might arise. Over two
per cent of the students that voted
me into office know what the ERA
is . . . of those I'm almost certain a
third would favor it. I knew if the
Student Senate came out in sup­port
of the amendment it would
soon pass.
"There are only a couple of us
women radicals on the Auburn
campus," Black continued. "And
I'm getting married soon... we had
to do something to insure that
women's rights would still be pro­tected
after I'm busy with a home
and family."
. . - - • „ H.-.rt.T.J. • ... . • " ' •
THE AUBURN TIDESMAN April 1, 1974 page 2
Buxom coed wins Chewacla title
By Kate Smith
Tidesman Staff Writer
"This is the happiest moment of
my life," pretty blue-eyed Pamela
Lavaliere said when she was
crowned Miss Chewacla Park near
Auburn Saturday. "All my life I've
been preparing for this day,'' the
voluptuous Auburn coed
said, "and finally my dream has
come true." _
Pamela, who hails from Pine
Level, AL, was the lucky girl
chosen from among 500 luscious
lovelies competing for the title of
Miss Chewacle Park 1974. After
walking on a runway of picnic
benches, Pamela told the judges
that she planned to give all of her
prize money to charity. "I'm going
to keep the crown, though," she
said, "just to remind me of this
glorious moment."
Pam said her life's ambition is to
do commercials for Ultra-Brite.
"That's why I feel my educa­tion
here at Auburn is :_so valua­ble,"
she said.
Drill field to be poved
with concrete by 1978
By Henrico Frisbey
Tidesman Staff Writer
Max Morris drill field is going to
be paved over with concrete,
announced Pres. Harry M. Phil-pott
at an informal press con­ference
last night. Bids for the pro­ject
have been let, he said, with the
scheduled completion date for the
project set for spring 1978.
"There's been such a hassle over
it we've decided to go ahead and do
the job right," Philpott said. He
cited several reasons for the pav­ing
of the field: "Using the field as
a parking lot will continually
thwart any attempt to merely
level it out. The injuries caused by
chuck holes are entirely
unnecessary."
"As far as the ROTC depart­ment
goes, they all favor the idea
except for the Ranger Cadets, who
will have to look for a new vacant
lot to dig up with their bare hands
whenever they get the urge," Phil­pott
said.
"Paving will also curb
streakers," he said. "In addition
to concrete, we plan to string piano
wire all over the field at ankle
height. Then if any streaker is able
to make his way through, I'll per­sonally
give him a War Eagle as­cot,"
Philpott promised.
"Yes, anyone who runs naked
across the drill field deserves to get
his ascot," he commented.
The mixture to be used in the
concrete will contain .30 per cent
left-over mashed potatoes from
Terrell Dining Hall as a filler.
Other specifications will include
25 per cent gold to be added to the
mixture to insure a cost overrun,
said Director of Buildings and
Grounds Linwood E. Funchess.
Paving also will reduce injuries,
said Dr. Grant Jarvis, director of
the Student Health Center. "We
prefer working with gashes
instead of broken bones and
sprains," he said. "We find we get
fewer on-the-spot complaints
about treatment when the patient
is screaming in pain."
DOOHER'S DRUGS
Due to the prosperous business
in selling drugs, any drug will
be given free to any person
for any illness. As our motto
j. says: Doom will prevail with
I drugs at your avail.
The runner-up, Miss Susan
Greek, was presented a bouquet of
dandelions. Commenting on
Pam's victory Susan said, "I'm
going to tell everyone on campus
that her whole sorority, Alpha
Delta Pi, wears falsies."
The daughter of Mr. and Mrs.
David Lavaliere of Pine Level,
Pam is majoring in elementary
education. When asked about her
daughter's success, Mrs. Lava­liere
said, "I'm just so glad I gave
up that new winter coat 10 years
ago so we could put braces on
Pam's teeth."
Awards also were presented to
Miss Talent Chewacla Park and
Miss Congeniality Chewacla
Park. Miss Tammy Toothface was
the unanimous choice of the judges
in the talent competition. She
bedazzled the entire panel by lick­ing
15,000 S & H Green Stamps
and pasting them in a green,
stamps book in 30 seconds flat.
Miss Sally Sorority was chosen
as Miss Congeniality Chewacla
Park. "I owe all my success to 10
years of sorority life," Sally said.
The distinguished panel of
judges, all experts in the field of
coed beauty, included Milton,
Robert Meyer Representing Mag
Dorm, Gloria Steinham who cast
her vote in abscentia, head track
coach Mel Rosen, former "wrest­ling
coach Swede Umbach,
Miss Auburn 1918 Fredrick Filler.
New 24-minute teller service
started by Last National Bank
By Enrico Frisbey
Tidesmaf Staff Writer
The round-the-clock, 24-hour
check-cashing service has been
modified to a 24-minute service,
announced Vice President for
Administration Ben T. Lanham at
Friday's meeting of the Last
National ' Bank's Board of Direc­tors.
"This is being done in the best
interest of the students," Lanham
said, "and at Last National you
can get four and three-quarter per
cent. That's the best in town."
The minutes the service would
be open for business would be from
1 to 1:24 a.m., Lanham noted.
"The big question is whether or
not we canafford to keep such a ser­vice
at all," Lanham told the other
directors. "No one seems to know
that the regular banks in the area
are offering enticing come-ons for
student business."
"Why even now, Last National
is accepting deposits on savings
accounts with no service charge,"
he said.
Asked how the University
would handlebad checks, Lanham
said he "had ways of getting
money from even the most
uncooperative of clients."
"The students must think of the
long term," he commented, "and
not be so concerned about where
he or she is going to get tomor­row's
money. The students ought
to learn how to wait in line during
the bank's busuness hours."
Lanham said one of the major
criteria for cashing checks and
making loans to students was to
see who passed out in line. The
checks of those still standing were
cashed, he said. "The Union teller
would spoil all that for the mer­chants,"
he said.
The only entertainment at the
bank is to make bets on which way
the kids will fall when they pass
out. Besides, we divvy up the loose
chahge that falls out of their
pockets when they hit the floor."
"But, alas, one must bend with
the tide . . . er . . . flow with the
breeze . . . whatever, anyway, I
figure just a few months of this
Union teller and the students will
yearn for the good old days with
-he Last National Bank,"Lanham
speculated.
Box
New penalties for late course
changes have been announced
by the Registrar's Office. They
are as follows:
After final registrations
A pound flesh
After classes start
Your firstborn son
Bank Alabama Cards and
Mistress Charge will not be ac­cepted,
according to Bursar
Ernest Phillips.
GANDER'S BOOKSTORE
COME IN AND GANDER AT ALL OF THE NEW
LINES OF STUDY AIDS. BEST QUALITY SHIPPED
IN FROM NEW YORK AND CALIFORNIA.
NO DOZ .99
WHITE CROSSES .99
REDS 2.99
BLACKS 3.99
SPEED MIXTURE .55
ENJOY THESE FABULOUS PRICES WITH A GUARANTEE
NOT TO BE BUSTED.
page 3 April 1, 1974 THE AUBURN TIDESMAN
White Heritage Week brings
Wallace, Maddox to campus
BByy AArrlloo JJooIlssoonn American Association "respect- "This includes all
Tidesman Staff Writer
Several prominent White
leaders from throughout) the
South will be on hand next week to
participate in annual White Heri­tage
Week, sponsoredannuallyby
the Kappa Alpha fraternity.
Appearing will be Gov. George C.
Wallace and Georgia Lt. Gov. Les­ter
Maddox.
KA President Al Bibbernathy
said that the group had contacted
Ku Klux Klan founder Nathan
Forrest about appearing but that
Forrest declined because of his
demise.
Plans for the week are now
definitely final, said Bibbernathy,
although the entire project
appeared in jeopardy at one point
when minorrioting broke out after
Bibbernathy invited members of
the Afro-American Association to
appear and sing some "good-old-fashioned"
slave ballads. Bibber­nathy
said that since the Afro-
Cors, freaks
meet headon in
freak accident
A freak accident occurred late
Friday afternoon on the Auburn-
Opelika Freeway. According to a
police report, three freaks in a
Volkswagen struck five freaks in a
Van. No injuries were reported.
respect­fully
declined" the offer to sing,
music will be provided by George
Wallace, Jr. and the Country
Cavaliers.
"Yes suh," said Wallace about
the upcoming occasion, "who 'duh
thought that a meuh lOyeahs after
ah stood on thuh do' step of thuh
Univuhsity of Alabamuh to wel­come
thuh fust black (Ah mean
Black) stoodeht that we 'duh pro­gressed
this fah?
"And when ah'm reelected, ah'll
continue to fight for segrega... ah
mean states' rights. And ah'll con­tinue
thuh fight against the sense­less
busin' of innocent little
chillun to achieve racial intugra-tion.
You know ah will. Have ah
ever supported anythang that
achieved racial intugration?
"Yes suh, we'll send 'em a mes­sage
from Alabamuh! Hmmm,
say. Y'know, that's pretty catchy.
Cornelia, write that down. Cor­nelia!
Dammit, where's that
woman when ay need her?"
Wallace demanded.
Maddox said of his coming
appearance, "Phooey!"
Bibbernathy said the purpose of
White Heritage Week was to make
Whites more aware of their his­tory
and to dramatize the need for
more White leaders in high places.
He said that the public is invited
to attend all functions of "white
week.'
our nigra, er,
negro, I meanAfro-American, that
is BLACK or whatever-the-hell-those-
people-are-calling-them-selves-
these-days friends," Bibber­nathy
said.
In honor of White Heritage
Week, the City of Auburn has
decreed that all White citizens will
be reserved special seats in the
front of municipal buses. Munici­pal
buses will be brought in from
Montgomery for the occa­sion
since the city does not own
any.
"The week will end with the his­toric
recreation of the burning of a
cross," Bibbernathy said, "as well
as the Black church that's under
it."
Happy Anniversary
Dean Cater (Mrs. Ray Ritland) surprised the Auburn com­munity
Sunday by breaking years of silence about her love life.
The occasion? Her 50th wedding anniversary. Shown here with
her two granddaughters, Mary Lou and Becky Sue, Cater com­mented,
"There's no use pretending anymore."
Agnew to hold tax seminar
By Dareyou Bearit
Tidesman Staff Writer
Former Vice President Spiro T.
Agnew will give a seminar for
Auburn students on "how to .
actually make money from your
income taxes," according to Spec­tra
Program Chairman Fred
Eisenhower.
"It's certainly a hell of an honor
to have such a highly-esteemed tax
consultant in Auburn," Eisen­hower
said. "I just pulled a few
strings with Dickie to get him out
of jail on bond and down here for
the seminar."
The former Maryland governor,
who resigned his vice post last
year, will give the seminar the
week before income tax returns are
due April 15.
In a telephone interview with
The Tidesman, Agnew said while
in jail he had been working on his
book "How I Made a Million Off
My Income Taxes." He said he
planned to set up a stand at the
seminar to sell the books. "II!!! '"•
happy to autograph my b<"V"..i
persons at the stand before and
after the seminar," Agnew said.
**.**¥ ¥ ¥ ¥ ¥ ¥¥¥¥¥¥¥*¥¥*-¥--¥-¥-¥-¥-*-*4-
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JOIN THE WAVES
AND SEE THE WORLD
Miss Jones instructs class
Col Zsa Zsa Jones age 78
joined the Wave's 50 year
plan and has since reen-listed
for another 50 years
Miss Jones will testify
that being a Wave has -
put meaning into her lite.
Before joining she was a
student at Alabama and
could not find dates,
now she has a date eyery
night but never the same
one twice. (??)
For more information
on how to become a
Wave like Miss Jones
call or write:
V.A. Hospital
Old Folks section
On the good ship Hope
Somewhere in the Pacific
or
Social Center
Auburn University
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LOOK AND SEE!!!
Tomorrow we are having a streaking
contest in the sfore. fully clothed yov
wiff race across the store, undress, and
streak around the block. The streaker
with the slowest time will win
this beautiful transparent rain coat
at
* * * * * ¥ ¥ ¥ ¥ ¥ ¥ * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * ¥ *»
aypws
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THE AUBURN TIDESMAN April 1, 1974 page 4
rent Andrews Kissin' cousins
This Auburn coed demonstrates just how far you can go on a
date in Auburn if you comply with the new dating regulations
set up by the AWS Discipline Council and endorsed by Dean
Cater.
Mortar girls jailed
for Commie acts
By George Lindsey
Tidesman Staff Writer
The 31 members of Mortar
Board, a senior women's honor
society, were arrested Friday on
Charges of inciting un-American
activities on campus by featuring
a teacher of questionable morals
and beliefs in their "Teachers in
Business study
reveals students
pay through nose
The average Auburn student
pays three times more income tax
than the President of the United
States, according to a study re­cently
released by the School of
Business.
The research team, headed by
Charles R. Snow, ass. prof, of
mngmnt., said that although Au­burn
students actually pay less
than the President to the IRS,
proportionately they pay 33 per
cent more than the commander in
chief.
"I'm telling you folks that this is
the way the figures add up," Snow
said. "I thought about this for a
long time in my Republican soul
before I showed them to any­body,"
he said, "but I feel that if
it's down here in black and white
someone will find out sooner or
later anyway."
Perspective" articles which appear
spasmodically in the Tidesman.
The female women also were
charged with sponsoring
Communist-backed leadership
conferences that promoted a per­verted
outlook as to the subser­vient
rple of women in American
society, according to city police.
After her release on $10,000
bond, Beth Rodd, Mortar Board
president, held a press con­ference,
which only WEGL News
Director John Gillespie attended
with a tape recorder, and blamed
The Plainsman (now The Tides-man)
for originally starting the
"Teachers in Perspec­tive/
series. "If Mortar Board was
arrested them The Tidesman staff
should be arrested also as acces­sories
" Todd claimed. "The edi­tor
and managing editor of The
Tidesman even attended and
actively participated in our leader­ship
conference."
"Man, you're not gonna get me
to say a damn thing," Editor Bill
Wood said. Managing Editor Greg
Lisby's comments were unprint­able,
but, in so many words, he
suggested that Todd see him per­sonally
about the matter.
According to police, if Mortar
Board members, who are chosen
on the basis of leadership, scholar­ship
and service, cannot link The
Tidesman more closely with the al­leged
crime, "then they'll be up the
proverbial creek without the
proverbial paddle."
Cater brings sex
to dormitory life
By Loretta Schnitzel
Tidesman Staff Writer
The evils of coed dormitories
could become commonplace at the
University of Alabama at Auburn
soon with the advent of the first co­ed
dorm on campus, Dean of Wo­men
Katherine Cater said Tues­day.
Arrangements now are being
made to combine Magnolia Hall
and Noble Hall by building the
Katherine Cater Wing connecting
the formerly male and female
dorms. There are also plans to
make Dorms J and K coed.
"Mind you, girls will still have
girl roommates and suitemates,"
Cater said. "Only the dorms will be
coed; the floors will still be se­gregated
by sex."
A four-foot thick cement wall
will be built down the middle of the
Cater of Mag Noble Hall
A four-foot thick cement wall
will be built down the middle of the
Cater Wing of Mag Noble Hall and
"girls will live on one side of the
wall and boys on the other and
never the twain shall meet," Cater
said.
In Dorms J and K, the first three
floors will be occupied by girls and
the top three by boys. Elevators
will serve the first three floors
only. Access to the boys section
will be by stairway. "Armed
gttards will be placed in the lobby
in front of the elevators to make
Female lay-out'
experts needed
by paper editors
Women are needed as adminis­trative
assistants on The Tides-man
staff this quarter, according
to Tidesman Editor Bill Wood.
Wood and Managing Editor
Greg Lisby will interview ap­plicants
to fill these positions
beginning today. "We especially
need people experienced in lay-out
work," Wood said. "There is a de­finite
need for this type as­sistance."
Males and ugly females
need not apply, Wood said.
JOES DIAMONDS
TIRED OF YOUR WIFE? JOE GIVES YOU THE BEST DEAL IN TOWN
ON HER DIAMOND.ENGAGEMENT RING. OR TRADE HER IN FOR A NEW
STEREO UNIT WHICH YOU CAN CUT OFF WHENEVER YOU WANT TO OR
ONE WHICH CAN BE EASILY TURNED ON. COME BY*SEE ME.
GENERAL DELIVERY
OCCUPANT
sure no non-females use them,"
Cater said.
Conversion construction of the
four dorms is scheduled to take
place within the week and "will
probably be completed soon after
Cater's demise so the Cater wing in
Mag Noble Hall will be a memorial
to a fine, upstanding woman who
worked like hell for Auburn," ac­cording
to Pres. H. Floyd Vallery.
Cater said she had encountered
one small problem already in con­nection
with the coed dorms. "I've
been having an absolutely ungod­ly
time finding dorm parents that
fit University specifications," she
said.
Regulations state that dorm
parents must be married (no com­mon
law one-nighters allowed) for
at least 40 years and must have
had three legitimate and no il­legitimate
children during that
time who also must be married
now. Neither dorm parent must
smoke, drink, use tabacco or tell
dirty Polish jokes on Jewish holi­days.
Each must be certified by the
Federal Bureau of Investigation in
the use of firearms, explosives and
fingerprinting. Lastly, each must
have suDDorted Gov. George C.
Wallace in the 1972 presidential
race and they must sleep in single
beds.
"I think the regulations are very
fair," Cater said, "I'm just having
a few problems finding dorm
parents who are demolition ex­perts.
We do, however, have a
couple who are ex-Green Beret ser­geants
whom we are interviewing
now."
Each coed dorm also will have a
VD emergency treatment station
which will be equipped for emer­gency
sterilizations, just in case.
"I hope to inspire Auburn males
to be more gentlemanly," Cater
said, "but we will be prepared in
case something unexpected hap­pens.
I feel we're being very open-minded
about the entire matter."
Greeks grin and bare it
in marathon cancer streak
Kappa Kappa Gamma sorority
and Delta Chi fraternity here have
been challenged by Kappa Kappa
Gamma and Kappa Alpha frater­nity
at University of Alabama to
compete to see who can raise the
most money in a cancer streak
April 6.
The runners will be collecting
from industries, businesses,
alumni and from the general
public door to door. According to a
UA news release, "The streakers
will pick their victim and then
streak back and forth in front of
him until he becomes so repulsed
that he voluntarily contributes of
himself and helps wipe out cancer
in his lifetime."
The goal of the nude runathon is
$10,000,000 which a spokes­woman
for Kappa Kappa Gamma
said was not much "considering
the bodies of some of the sisters we
plan to run. The males can repulse
their victims if they like; we plan to
seduce ours into giving."
SHUBORT'S MUSIC
COME IN GET RIPPED OFF BY THE
HIGHEST PRICES IN TOWN. WE
GUARANTEE TO OUT-PRICE ANYONE.
WORST LINE AND QUALITY OF USED
PARTS TO MESS UP YOUR STEREO
COMPONENTS FOREVER.
RECORD SALE
2 for $4.89
plu s t be pii ce of
the second record
THE FIRST TWENTY PERSONS TO TAKE UP THIS
HORRIBLE OFFER WILL GET A SCRATCH ON
BOTH RECORDS.
ABSOLUTELY FREE
page 5 April 1, 1974 THE AUBURN TIDESMAN
New hair rules
set for AU athletes
AUBURN ATHLETE SHOWS THE NEW WAR EAGLE LOOK
. . . Soon all athletes will be neat
By Gay Spiker
Tidesman Sports Writer
Acting on the suggestion of
assistant coach Shug Jordan, ath­letic
director Bear Bryant today
laid down new stringent hair rules
for all Auburn athletes.
The new hair rule Bryant ex­plained,
is to give the athlete
"more discipline, a uniformed look
and make them look nifty."
Not only will the athletes have a
new look on their heads, but they
will also be required to wear
leashes anytime they go more than
300 yards from Sewall Hall.
Langner sues the trainer
for two million dollars
By lam Lost
Tidesman Sportswriter
Auburn athletic trainer Kenny
Howard is being sued for two
million dollars by former Auburn
football hero David Langner.
Langner who filed the malprac­tice
suit in local court yesterday
said the payment would be for
damages that occurred last sea­son
when Howard did work on
Langner's broken hand.
"The hand might still be fixed,"
said Langner, "but my wrist will
he limn forever. At this time all my
fingers are curled except for the
middle one." Langner's lawyers
stated that the injury will
probably ruin a very promising
fighting career for the Tiger great.
Howard said he was shocked
when he first heard the news
because he had been on the best of
terms with Langner. "I can't be­lieve
David would want to do this
to me. I treated the hand the best I
could. I just don't know what could
have gone wrong, although
complications are not unusual in
cases like this.
When coach Ralph Jordan a
close friend of Howard heard
the news, he said, "Kenny Howard
is one of the finest trainers and
people that I know. I also know
that the many Auburn athletic
supporters that knew and respect
Kenny will aid him in his time of
need."
"This is just another one of our
new Progressive discipline poli­cies
that coach Jordan suggested
to me and I fully agree with. If we
want to have good teams we just
oan't let our boys wander around
shiftlessly by themselves."
Seeing that there are so many
athletes to watch, Bryant said he
would ask service organizations
such as Alpha Phi Omega to show
their school sqirit by helping as
guards.
The new hair style requires no
hair on the forehead or the neck,
and it must end four inches above
the ear. "Definitely no sideburns
will be tolerated," said Bryant.
No facial hair will be allowed and
players will be required to shave
twice a day. "I wish we had
thought of these rules a few years
ago in Tuscaloosa, we might have
produced some better football
teams," Bryant remarked.
Several athletes were angered
when they heard the ndw rules.
All-star linebacker Ken Bernich
found while hanging from his
dorm Ibalcony said, "I think it's a
disgrace that we should be treated
like animals; after all we're almost
human."
Another football player Tom
Gossom said, "This is definitely an
attack aimed at the styles of the
black athletes. The only reason
they made it uniform is to dis­guise
their true intent."
Other coaches however were
elated with the news. Coach
Luther Young said that with the
new hair rules "we will become
more effective on the tennis courts.
Discipline has, of course, been our
whole problem."
Coach Bryant also sees the new
hair rules as a money-making
source. "With the clean look,
alumni will shower us with dona­tions
and also • bring larger
crowds in the sports events. No one
will pay good money to see a hairy
athlete."
When asked if the coaching staff
will adopt this hair style to set an
example, coach Bryant com­mented,
"No, we can't do that.
Besides we're individuals."
Boseballers show
The Auburn Tiger baseball team will sponsor a fashion show for
the All Campus Fund Drive on April 4. "It was the idea of the
players and I think it shows what kind of great kids they are," said
Coach Paul Nix.
The team will fashion their new powder blue and powder orange
uniforms that can be wom in several attractive combinations.
"Due to the merging of the schools we also have a cute light red
outfit also," said Nix.
BLACK MARKET
GAS COMPANY
WANT TO BUY GAS CHEAP? THEN COME
TO BMGC AND BUY A MINIMUM OF 1000
GALLONS AT 25c A GALLON. DO NOT
BRING CONTAINERS. GAS MUST BE IN THE
VEHICLE IN ORDER TO HIDE THE EVIDENCE.
WAITING LINES ARE NO MORE THAN TWO
DAYS LONG .
BRING THE KIDS AND CAMP0UT.
this is an offer you can't refuse. j
SMITH AND CLARK ENTERPRISES
INTRODUCES
"RENT A STREAKER"
Only Smith and Clark give you several models to choose
from:
Model number 0012: Prehistoric Man comes dressed
in bear skin mask with antelope horns sprouting from
his forehead.
Model number 0076: Greek God. This model is a stream­lined
replica of Appolo or Mercury. Specify type. Will
be companioned by Bachhus if your event will include wine
and dance.
Model number 0132: John Wayne type. Modesty prevents this
conservative model from revealing all. The John Wayne type
comes mounted on a naked horse. "John" wears a red, white,
and blue ten gallon hat, and six guns.
Catalogue available upon request. ACT NOW AND AT THE HEAD
OF OUR LIST. ORDER TODAY AND WE THROW IN OUR MODEL OF THE
MONTH:
THE ROSEMARY"W0ULD"M0DEL
This model will record the entire event on tape
and erase the best eighteen minute segment of
your evening.
Reasonable Prices. Terms of Contract Negotiable as Weather
permits. Our phone number is: Gigolo 1-5362
1
1
I
I
I
I
I
I
THE AUBURN TIDESMAN April 1, 1974 page 6
New paper
Wilson forms Committee
By Ruthless Grappler
Tidesman Staff Writer
Mike Wilson, former vice pres­ident
of the Student Government
Association, announced Thurs­day
the beginnings of a new under­ground
newspaper to be dis­tributed
in Auburn. The Commit­tee
will be a "viable indication of
student input," Wilson said as he
described his new 12-page tabloid.
"The Tidesman has served a
useful purpose in the past," Wil­son
said, "but they have sidestep­ped
a lot of issues that the stu­dents
need to know about. I was
especially disappointed that they
didn't play the streaker deal a lot
bigger. That was sponsored by my
fraternity, you know."
Wilson's paper will not be
"another public relations organ,"
Wilson said. He accused The Tides-man
of trying to make the SGA
look better than it actually is, ad­ding
that a "muckraking renew­al"
is what the campus needs.
Campus police hit bottom;
require stomper stickers
Chief Millard E. Lawman of
Campus Security, announced
early today that all feet must be
registered beginning summer
quarter before students can walk
on the campus. "They just have to
come by the Campus Security of­fice
and let us put a sticker on their
shoe," Dawson said.
All seniors, faculty members
and administration will receive an
A sticker, Lawman explained, that
entitles them to walk on any urea
of the campus at any time of day.
Juniors and sophomores will have
the soles of their shoes stamped
with B stickers, designating walk­ing
privileges within three feet of
Haley Center during the hours of 8
a.m. until 4 p.m. Freshmen may
walk on bricks painted blue on the
Haley Center Concourse between
the hours of 9 a.m. and 1 p.m., if
they have C stickers.
Campus security officers will be
checking for proper sticker iden­tification
throughout the day,
beginning July 1, Lawman said.
"We'll just ask the students to raise
their foot (the right one will bear
the sticker) and we'll make sure
that it's properly marked. Any im­properly
marked feet will be im­pounded,
the shoes that is."
All impounded shoes will be kept
at the Security Office and can be
picked up at any time during the
quarter. There will be an auction of
all impounded shoes at the end of
the quarter open to all students,
Lawman said. Students will be
notified of the auction date
through an advertisement in The
Tidesman. "We never pay the
paper for this service," Lawman
said, "so it won't increase costs."
Lovers Phamous Photos
Auburn University is embark
ing on a program to mark off addi­tional
car lanes on present bicycle
lanes throughout campus, Cam­pus
Security Chief Millard Law­man
announced Wednesday.
"Of course the lanes will have to
be marked off at the expense of
some bicycle parking spaces on ca-pus,
but it should help relii'Ve some
of the traffic on campus," Law­man
said.
Many students have started rid­ing
cars to classes because of the
The Committee will be printed
on yellow paper, Wilson said, to
differentiate between his paper
and the gold Communique, the of­ficial
SGA publication. "I'm try­ing
to get as far away from the
SGA image as I can. I've been a
journalist at heart all along, and
finally I get the chance to show my
true way with words. At this I'm
very, very good."
Bill Alvis, senator from way-off,
will be the business manager for
The Committee. He got the job,
Wilson said, "because he needed
the money due to lack of interest in
Invitations this year . . . and be­cause
he's my friend . . . and be­cause
he's a Spade. He met all of
the qualifications."
Managing Editor of The Com­mittee
will be former SGA pres­ident
Ed Milton.
Trick of the trade
Stripper the Dolphin demonstrates a tried and proven tech­nique
for the campaign trail. Stripper has passed his secret on
to numerous candidates for SGA offices at Auburn.
Chambers replaced by pigeon
By Beuluh Baker
Tidesman Staff Writer.
Student Government Associa­tion
Pres. Ed Milton announced
Wednesday that Press Secretary
Don Chambers will be replaced by
a carrier pigeon.
"The carrier pigeon > has been
found to be 75 per cent more ef­ficient
as far as notifying the press
of upcoming events," Milton said.
"Chambers is well-known for loos­ing
media notification cards and
for forgeting to tell The Tidesman
about a change in time or place for
meeting."
The SGA cabinet report also
found that a carrier- pigeon would
not make enemies as fast as Cham­bers.
The study reported one
incident at WEGL-FM when Max
-Harbuck, program director, threw
his earphones on the ground and
ran after Chambers with a micro­phone
cord, trying to choke him.
Milton alluded to the fact that
SGA is primarily pleased with the
upcoming replacement because
pigeons can't talk. "We have had
some trouble with Chambers put­ting
both feet in his mouth and
answering the telephone and then
hanging up in the middle of a con­versation,"
Milton said.
Chambers will reportedly chal­lenge
the replacement before the
Communications Board at its
meeting Friday.
Commenting on the replace­ment
and the informal survey,
Robert Reynolds, SGA secretary of
public relations, said, "Well, the
pigeon does have a smaller
mouth."
MM
SGA President Red Jilton was awarded the "Lovers' Longev­ity
Award" by the IFC in coordination with the AH Campus
Fund Drive. TTie award is given each year to the frat man who
shows the most "President and determined efforts to get along
with the opposite sex." Milton in the earliest stages of his
cassanova role. This picture and testimonies by members of a
group called the "Milton Harem" won the award for Milton.
Cor lanes on campus set
to relieve bike traffic jam
present congested bicycle traffic,
Lawman said. "They find it is
healthier to ride cars to class and
are often faster because they can
avoid many traffic regulations. If
they continue to violate the laws,
we will have to start enforcing traf­fic
laws on cars," Lawman said.
Lawman said appropriations for
the car lanes came after consi­derable
pressure from a small
group of car riders who insisted
that "cars have as much right to
use of the roads as bicycles."
SHOES
Tired of those
hard leather
shoes you've
been wearing?
Then truck on
down (way down)
tothe store and
try on a pair
of our water-treated
shoes.
These shoes can
be bought nowhere
else but here,
(unless you walk
in water puddles)
2 pair for the
price of one plus
a dollar special
the rest of this
w e e k-
YOU-SHOP
YOU SHOP-ME SHOP-EVERYBODY SHOP-SHOP
THIS WEEK WE ARE HAVING THE MISS UGLY
CHICK (OR DOG, WHATEVER YOU PREFER)
FOR SPRING 19T1*. THE WINNER WILL
RECEIVE A BEAUTIFUL COSMETIC MASK
FREE AND ALSO A DINNER FOR TWO AT
THE EXOTIC "PURPLE HEART SUPPER CLUB"
ACCOMPANYING THIS LOVELY (UGH) GIRL
WILL BE LEE THE FLEA STREAKER. SO
BRING YOUR ENTRIES IN NOW.
DEADLINE FOR ENTRY IS 5:30 TODAY
AT THE US-SHOP.
THE NEW COSMETIC MASK
(comes only in brown)
mmmmmmtmmmmmmmmmm
page 7 April 1, 1974 THE AUBURN TIDESMAN
WANT ADS
c LOST AND FOUND FOR SALE
LOST: Advisor. I haven't seen him in
three years. Please contact me soon, I
graduate this quarter.
FOUND: Thirty-eight D bra, looking
for owner.
FOUND: Various colors and sizes of
gym shorts and t-shirts found on the
drill field at the end of winter quarter.
These articles can be claimed at the
Security office.
J
Tower oi confusion —Demy Dootie c HELP WANTED }
An a r t i s t ' s conception of the new Buildings
and Grounds tower depicts its proposed loca­tion
at the present B & G plant behind Thach
Hall. The new office building will provide
space for the 20 administrative levels of the B
& G bureaucracy. An office on the first floor
will house the three members of the B & G
work crew. A unique architectural feature of
the building will be the playing of the alma
mater when the wind blows through the build­ing's
opening.
FOR SALE: Used beads and incense.
Will take best offer. Call Student Health
Center.
WANTED: Bimbo needed to deep-six
AWS ballots in Chewacla Creek, all 56
of them, with no questions asked. Con­tact
Dean Cater's office anytime prior to
beddy-bye at 8 p.m.
WANTED: Man with nerves of steel
and heart of gold needed to tell the Ed­itor
of The Plainsman how to do his job.
Must have an excellent command of the
Anglo-Saxon vernacular to deal with
Mr. Lisby. Apply to Herb White's office.
University Relations, Mary Martin Hall.
WANTED: Surgeon needed to re­move
the Board of Trustees from my
back. Apply at Harry M. Philpott's home
or office.
FOR SALE: Like-new,
SGA conducts self-study;
finds topnotch administration
The results of the most recent
SGA survey were announced
today by SGA President Red Jil-ton.
The survey questioning "the
effectiveness of SGA surveys" was
placed around campus in conspi­cuous
spots to "try and gauge stu­dent
interest," Jilton said.
Twelve people rated the surveys
as effective, two said they were not
effective and there were three stu­dents
with no opinion, Jilton said.
"The overwhelming majority felt
that the surveys do serve a useful
purpose in obtaining student in­put,"
Jilton said.
"The surveys are clear, concise,
never rambling, relevant, inter-line:
AN SGA SERVICE
esting and usually offer us fellows
in the SGA a pat on the back that's
badly needed," Jilton said. "I
know we enjoy reading the sur­veys
and filling them out up here
in the SGA office. In fact about a
dozen of us were sitting around
talking about the last one and we
marked out answers and turned
them in just like the other stu­dents."
The next survey will be ques­tioning
the students on their opi­nion
on the Haley Center foun­tains,
Jilton said.
WANTED: Assasin to knock off
slightly house-mother with overdose of Keopec-weather-
beaten bricks, five cents each. , o t e C a H n o m b e r i n t h e p h o n e b o o t h a t
Drop by the back of the Union Building f h e c o m e r o f T h a t h o n d c u e g ,
between 1 a.m. and 4 a.m.
FOR SALE: Idiot room mate. Will WANTED: Abnormally large hel-take
anything (ANYTHING) as pay- mets for football player. Especially
ment. No refund. Roomi's crackers and needed for freshman Jocks. Contact the
Cheech and Chong records part of the Athletic Department,
deal. At no extra cost, will provide muz­zle
to prevent singing in the shower.
FOR SALE: Trailer. Must sell due to WANTED: Top quality entertain-recent
high winds. Can be reached by m , n ' - Contact the Entertainment Of-mail
c/o general delivery. Open to in- ' i c e i n , n e Coliseum,
spection (the trailer, that is) any week­day
after six, located on and around
Wire Road. c PERSONALS FOR RENT: The bicycle of your
choice. Drop by the mart next to the
Campus Security Office.
FOR SALE: Abnormally amorous pair J. S., G. L. and D. H.:
of gerbils, and six no make that eight, so forget it!
no make that ten . . . Apply quickly!
}
I will not cheat,
Question: I was sitting in my VW in the Coliseum parking lot mind­ing
my own business when out of the blue a Student Services, Inc. van
ran into me and bashed the hell out of my car. Then police charged me
with wreckless driving. I consider this a ripoff and demand something
be done about it. Well? —Smashed and parking
Answer: So what else is new? The SSI has been ripping off students
and townspeople alike for as long as anyone can remember. You're no
different from anyone else, buster. However, if you are serious in your
endeavor, we suggest you first consult the telephone listings for The
Family in the Auburn-Opelika area. You need to have the Mafia on your
side before you go after one of its branches.
Question: I am a first quarter freshman coed at Auburn and have just
been asked out on my first date. Since I'm new here and am not yet fully
acquainted with Auburn's do's and don't's, how far should we go on our
first date? (While I'm not a prude, I'm not known as being loose, either).
Thank you. —Embarrassed rushee
Answer: We would recommend that you not go any further than
Columbus or Montgomery or possibly Atlanta if you need an emer­gency
abortion.
Question: I have a. complaint. I bought a prescription from a down­town
drugstore and almost died after they gave me the wrong type drug.
What can I do? —Down on drugs
Answer: For best results, you should: first, call the Ombudsman
(which you have obviously already done because that is what this is);
second, call the SGA director of consumer relations; third, call the state
of Alabama's office of consumer affairs; and lastly, call the Consumer
Protection Office toll-free (1-800-392-5658). On second thought, you
would be better off if you follow those steps in the reverse order.
Question: I am pregnant and unmarried. Where can I go for help? —I
should have danced all night
Answer: Alpha Phi Omega service fraternity is offering a new type of
assistance to unwed mothers. As part of its new pledge initiation,
neophytes are required to marry an unwed mother. So take heart, all is
not lost.
Question: I received a parking ticket I didn't deserve. How do I get it
taken care of? Need a fix
Answer: Since Campus Police Chief Millard Dawson assured us that
absolutely no one receives a parking ticket unless they deserve it, we
suggest you pay it and don't make waves.
Inaction Line was to have been a weekly service of your (yes,
your!) SGA in The Tidesman, but the turkeys that were putting it
together only could get up the effort to do it once.
Editor's note
DELANO'S AND CHAMINO'S
YES, WE HAVE MERGED TOGETHER TO CUT DOWN ADVERTIZING COSTS
AND TO FORM THE BEST PIZZA DELIVERY ON CAMPUS.
FAST, FREE, HOT, AND NAKED
*
T 1
^ ©
Call now for pizza and please specify male or female deliverer
GET THE MESSAGE AND
PASS IT ON!
THE AUBURN TIDESMAN April 1, 1974 pajje 8
Recycling program to solve AU energy crisis
...AMD OOER
HSSE IAJE UA\JE
UH FUEL STOCK...
Terrible Terrell's
has Hill hot dogs
A recent lack of student busi­ness
at Terrell Dining Hall has
prompted University officials to
set up a hot dog stand in the back
corner of the dining hall. Kather-ine
Hurry, head dietician of the
dinning hall said, "I really hope
that this will cause a pick up in the
business at Terrell. Though girls
cannot get their required nutrition
here it will help the rest of the din­ing
hall."
The hot dog stand has been
given the name of Terrible
Terrell's Hurry said. Sally Sweet,
2EED, commented on the variety
of the stand, "They really have
horrible food but the number of
choices is great, they have 14 dif­ferent
types of hot dogs and 33 dif­ferent
kinds of shakes."
"I really hope the girls start eat­ing
at Terrell again," stated Flora
Marksdale, assistant head res­ident
of Dorm K. "Dean Kitty told
us that they would outlaw hot­plates,
and then I would have to
give mine up."
The University hopes to make
up the lost profit by operating the
stand.
By Mitch Kannope
Tidesman Staff Writer
An answer to the energy
shortage that has been plaguing
the United States in recent months
may have been discovered due to
the far-sighted research of an
Auburn research team.
Research team head Reginald I.
Vachon, professor of mechanical
engineering, announced Thurs­day
that the Auburn School of
Engineering, with the aid of the
Agricultural Extension Service
and the Department of Buildings
and Grounds has developed a
method for generating electricity
by burning dried cow dung in cam­pus
generators.
"Of course the generators will
need a few modifications," Lin-wood
E. Funchess, director of
Buildings and Grounds, said, "but
once the conversion is made, the
generators will burn anything
from No. 2 fuel oil to Red Dagger
Wine."
New requirements
made for women
cheerleader fryouts
New requirements have been set
up for girls wishing to tryout for
cheerleader. "They must have a
'homecoming queen smile' glued to
their flawless face, weigh under
115 lbs., belong to one of the major
sororities, and be able to sweet-talk
their way into or out of anything,"
Jerry Van Mosley, co-head cheer­leader
announced.
Funchess said the conversion to
cow dung will provide a cheap,
relatively pollution-free fuel that is
in abundant supply in the Auburn
area. "The smell of the burning
cow dung should not present much
of a problem," Funchess said.
"The stench will be nothing like
the high-sulphur coal we are burn;
ing now."
Vachon alsb said dung has
many advantages over other fuels
presently being used. "With the
fossil fuels presently being used,
once they are burned they are gone
forever. Dried cow dung, on the
other hand, is a renewable re­source.
We have even worked out a
recycling program with
Buildings and Grounds, Action
Ecology and the Agricultural
Extension Service," Vachon said.
Vachon said the burned up cow
dung would be emptied from the
furnaces and the ashes would be
bagged and sold as fertilizer. "The
fertilizer would be sold very
cheaply since it would bethrown
away otherwise, and would pro­vide
a completely organic ferti­lizer,"
he said.
Extension Service Director
Ralph R. Jones said the research
was aided by a grant from the Ala­bama
Cattlemen and Dairymen's
Associations "who felt that the
increased demand for cow dung
would provide a new market for
cattlemen and end a messy pro­blem."
Wet Windsor uses balloons;
given Tidy Tiger award
"I want to thank all the people
who made sacrifices so that we
could receive this," Rhett Ander­son,
4CS, stated as he accepted the
Tidy Tiger for Windsor Hall. The
awards was presented to Windsor
by the Auburn Flower Club for
keeping the premises "excep­tionally
clean" during the past
month.
Anderson said he was glad that
someone appreciated the efforts of
the Windsor residents. "It is not
often that you get that many guys
to go out and help when you are
cleaning up the parking lot and the
building."
Clara Clean, president of the Au­burn
Flower Club cited the people
that helped make Windsor a clean­er
place to live. She also said she
was pleased that so many of the
residents participated.
When questioned about the
methods that were used to accom­plish
this feat he said, "I was out
there one night with my water bal­loons
trying to clear the building
and the parking lot and some of
the other guys saw me and decided
to help. It turned out to be a mass
effort."
Class Commandment
Gain 3 hrs.
Concert!
Surprise! SGA has
purchased your seats.
Lose two turns
Caught streaking
Gain 5 hrs.
"Men with facial hair
have not future." —
St. Shug
Gain 5 hrs.
Go to P.C. before fi­nals
Gain 5 hrs.
Panty Raid at Dorm
IX.
Gain 5 hrs.
c
V
X
visiting
58 .9g <8 SS E|
co a..rs
3 °>
»
03 O
73 (b
^5 2 5
ao
CO
3
a.
Frosh Commandments
1. Thou shall pay homage to the
VIRGIN DEAN.
2. Thou shall be in at 11 p.m.
3. Thou shall be inferior to men.
4. Thou shall live in the dorm.
5. Thou shall not drive a car on
campus.
6 Thou shall not study.
7. Thou shall belong to AWS.
8. Thou shall wear tops while
sunbathing.
9. Thou shall read the AWS
handbook.
10. Freshmen men make up your
own rules.
Sophomore Commandments
1. Thou shall not drink.
2. Thou shall not ask the infir­mary
for birth control.
3. Thou shall still not study.
4. Thou shall be a follower.
5. Thou shall subscribe to Brides.
6. Sophomore men set up your
own rules.
Junior Commandments
1. Thou shall recover thy GPA.
2. Thou shall look for a husband.
3. Thou shall have voluntary
sign-out with parental permis­sion.
4. Thou shall have learned the
Virgin Dean's Rules are timeless.
5. Thou shall not enter the lobby
in pajamas.
6. Junior men do what you
please.
Senior Commandments
1. Thou shall pass beginning
swimming before graduation.
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The
Auburn
Game
1. The Auburn Game was designed with the idea
of helping the children-students, alumni, faculty
and administration of Auburn University to be­come
better acquainted with their beloved school.
The Auburn Game pre-empts the Education Game
which has yet to make its appearance at A .U.
2. In keeping with the fine Auburn tradition a
non-transferable social hierarchy has been
established which groups players into five
categories.
1. Jocks 3. Red Necks
2. Frats. and Sor. 4. Independants
5. Blacks
(Quad sor. girls are considered Independants.)
2A. Money (Monopoly Money) is distributed ac­cordingly
1. Jocks-$ 1,800
2. Frats-$ 1,400
3. Rednecks-$1,200
4. Ind.-$900
5. Blacks-Monthly
welfare check from State
2B. Players then sit around the board with a
drink in hand (Do you ever do anything at Auburn
without a drink?)
2C. Dice are used to determine how many spaces
to move (Dice are available from any black player.)
3. The first player to gain 210 quarter hrs. in 12
rounds wins. (Jocks and Frat. men are allowed an
extra 3 rounds, any player spending all his money
loses.)
rmmmmmm^m
page 9 April 1, 1974 THE AUBURN TIDESMAN
Beatles are back
B & G SPEEDILY REMOVES THE ROOF OF THE COLISEUM
. . . Allman Bros, and The Greatful Dead will play soon
-Curley Mauler
Open oir concert in Coliseum
By Duncan Nots
Entertainment Editor
A compromise has finally been
reached on the controversial open-air
Allman Brothers concert, an­nounced
AWS Entertainment
Director Freta Harris. "We could
not get the stadium but we got the
next best thing. They are going to
take off the top of the Coliseum for
us!"
Harry Philpott commented, "I
know it is expensive but I like to
keep my students happy. Besides it
was pretty hot in there anyhow
and this will let all that 'funny
smoke' get out."
The concert date has not been set
definitely yet because un-con-
Four Skins to bore
all for streak dance
By Calvin Muldoon
Ass. Entertainment Editor
A streak dance will be held on
the Haley Center concourse
tonight beginning at 8 and ending
with the final streak a t3 a.m. The
Four Skins will play for the
streaks, said Betty Lolly, ass. pro­gram
director of Spectra. The'
dance is sponsored by Associated
Women's Students to raise money
for the All Caxpus Fund Drive.
"We hope to raise a bare mini­mum
to at least cover expenses,"
said Glenda Earwax. president, of
AWS. She said the money from the
dance will be donated to the Salva­tion
Army to buy clothing for
impoverished school children.
Dance contests will be held
during the evening. Prizes will be
awarded for .several events. Some
of the dances will be "The Stroll,"
"The Bunny Hop," "Polka,"
"Hitchhike," "The Swim," and the
"locomotion."
The Skins will play a series of
songs featuring oldies but nudies.
Their favorite number is "Run­ning
Bare." Their songs will be
geared to provide for the best
streaking at Auburn in months.
struction is very slow. Project fore­man
I. Dunno said there seems to
be a real slow down above the girls
locker room.
When asked if the group would
still perform at Auburn, a
Brothers' spokesman said it was
one of the most far out things he
had ever heard of and they would
be proud to play for a dude like
Harry.
The second group to perform, the
Grateful Dead, said they too,
would perform but it sounded like
Philpott had been around that
"funny smoke" a little too long.
Basketball Coach Rob Davis
was one of the most upset over the
modification to the Coliseum. He
said he was not about to be the first
coach in history to have a basket­ball
game called off due to rain.
By Davis Naimless
Entertainment Editor
The Beatles are back. The most
popular foursome in history will
begin a series of charity concerts
this Sunday at 2 p.m. in the Memo­rial
Coliseum.
In a transoceanic telephone
interview, Paul McCartney said
the group was getting back to­gether
on an errand of mercy much
like George Harrison's Benga-ladesh
Concert in Madison Square
Garden.
"The tour will direct itself
toward human suffering all over
the world but it was the stories of
the inadequate health care at your
Drake Infirmary that got us back
together and so it had to be our
first stop," said McCartney.
John Lennon was obviously
very moved with the plight of a
major university without any de­cent
medical facilities. He was
heard shouting in the back­ground,
"No wonder everybody
gives to the blood drive; they want
the Red Cross to get it before the in­firmary
does!"
Along with the Beatles will be
Ravi Shankar and Bob Dylan,
who were at the previous mercy
concert, and several acts from both
Bengaladesh and Biafra who had
been moved by the plight.
David Crosby and Graham
Nash as well as America have
asked to take part in the super con­cert,
"Just to see if anybody will
show up this time."
McCartney said the group will
consist of the four original mem­bers;
John, Paul, George, and
Ringo, as well as wives Linda
McCartney and Yoko Ono Len­non.
The group has written a lot of
new material and will tape a
special double album while here in
Auburn. The album will be called
"Please, Mr. Philpott."
The^Beatles explained they had
a little difficulty getting the ap­proval
of the Social Life Commit­tee.
It seems that since Elvis came
last quarter they felt that one
legendary rock concert was
enough for any campus in one
year.
Tickets for the the concert will
cost $30, $40, $50 and will go on
sale in the lobby of the Health Cen­ter.
Passes to go within a quarter
mile of the Coliseum will be avail­able
for $10 each. All funds will be
handled by the student represen­tative
on the Health Board, Mike
Wright-All-along.
Mike announced that the in­firmary
will sponsor a special con­test
for the Beatles concert. The
object of the contest is to take the
most "War Eagle Pills" without
any affect at all. The record is now
237 pills in one day and held by one
of the nurses. Reports indicate the
algae in the glasses of water she
drank with all the pills caused her
to turn green.
Auburn's self appointed cons­cience,
Henry Dawson, has voiced
great displeasure at having a con­cert
on the Sabbath but said there
was very little he would do since he
did not believe in picketing on Sun­day.
EATER Starts FRIDAY!
Twirlers no longer
show false front
In conjunction with the current
popularity of streaking around the
nation and on campus, Alabama
University at Auburn Band Direc­tor
Dr. Billy Wand announced this
week that this year's majorette try-outs
will be held in the nude.
"We arrived at the decision,"
Wand said, "after careful deli­beration.
In the past, we have
often observed that the clothes
worn during the tryouts created
false illusions about the candi­dates,"
Wand explained.
"So to make sure that all the
girls this year get a fair shake," he
continued, "we decided to hold the
auditions without the delusions
created by clothing and other
deceptive devices."
"We had contemplated numer­ous
plans to get around the pro­blem,"
added Johnnie Vision, ass.
director, "but streaking was
the inspiration behind Doc's
stroke of genius. We considered fig
leaves, hut this plan provides for
even greater differentiation."
|* See how Regan's voice changes
due to strenuous exonises.
See link Regan toned to attend
church.
During intermission
11 be a heaving contest. Winner of the longest heave
w i l l get a free pork'en beans plate from Tom Sike's BBQ and
the winner of the greenist heave w i l l get a bowl of green pea
soup.
This movie is reccommend by Rev
MUD HILL BAPTIST CHURCH
Benny B. Dawson of the
'Throat' will be exposed s |
By Curley Mauler
Ass. Entertainment Editor
Deep Throat will be the featured
film during the Fine Arts Film
Festival to be held March 32
through 35. The other films to be
shown will be "A Hard Man is
Good To Find," "Down in the
Valley" and "The Passionate Hot
Pit," according to Alonzo Tile,
cinematic arts chairman of Spec­tra.
"This will be the best series we
have had at Auburn in 20 years,"
said Jate Smithers, professor of
movies. He indicated that his class
will not be the only one to attend
the showing in mass.
The other classes that will be re­quired
to be in attendance will be
Softball officiating, women's
changing roles and potentialities,
embryology, vocational and adult
education and dynamics of
marriage.
It is expected to be the first Fine
Arts Film to be given more than
one viewing, according to Tile.
"Deep Throat" will be shown at 69
p.m. on March 32. The festival is
being sponsored by Coca-Cola this
quarter.
' S 9
'•E
!*»'
THE ULTIMATE EXPERIENCE
FOR EVERYONE!
THE EXOROST
u
D
D
D •
D
Q
a
D
D
a
a
a
D
Except I'm perfect
Pm really just like you
Whodunit?
No longer will the great gray
rotors of this old washing machine
scrub those jersies and jeans slick
andclean. For it was destroyed for­ever
by the bullets of a "hunter, " —
no, make that "killer," — aw hell,
some nut with a gun.
Editorial photography
—Low-rent Anderson
Bias
Prejudice
"" Page 10 April 1, 1974
Hello, Joe Blow . . . I'm Bill
Wood, just an ordinary fellow like
you are, except a little smarter. I'm
condescending verbally to appeal
to the mass readership (that's
you), and I want you to remember
that I'm not one of those pseudo-in­tellectual
types; I'll prove that by
my column subject matter.
Actually I was in the Engineer­ing
curriculum, but it didn't satis­fy
my creative yearnings so I
switched to something I could do, I
mean something I'd like to do.
It all happened on the way to the
bathroom. Those rednecks next to
me, or maybe it was the rednecks
above me, or maybe the ones under
me, or maybe even my roommate,
were banging on the walls. (Some­how
I always live in the midst of
rednecks — not that I consider my­self
an intellectual or a thinker
mind you, but I'm just not as red as
the average Auburn student.) I
sighed and kept walking.
The noise was awful above, or
below. (Any preposition will do
. . .just so I can prove to those En­glish
major snobs that you can
write column sentences any way
you want to including ending them
with prepositions.) I decided, of
course, to go to see a late show —
there weren't any dirty movies on
TV.
Just remember, Joe . . . I'm the
champion of the little man. Draft
beer, late shows, dirty television
movies, blue jeans and love — I de­fend
them all for you. That's what
I want to be remembered for — not
my 2.97 g.p.a., though of course
you must realize by my smooth
and splendid journalistic column
style that I am a genius.
Excuse the un-businesslike
digression, but even the best of us
machines break down occassion-ally.
(Maybe I should have said oc-cassionally
break down to irritate
the English scholars a bit more.)
Well, finally I was outside in
line, waiting for the movie to be­gin.
Just thejj some coed, prob­ably
from Dorm five, said "Hey,
Farmer Jones, go milk a cow." She
was referring to my cute little red
and white shirt and overalls.
She must not have known that
I'm editor of The Plainsman (now
The Tidesman), not a member of
the elite only because I choose not
Our bias
to be a member of the elite. What a
sassy little wench (or maybe I
should say woman, in keeping
with my progressive and non-chauvinistic
concept of woman­kind.)
Like the big person I am, I just
went over and introduced myself,
engaging in an intriguing one­sided
conversation about income
tax and the past meat boycott. I
even invited her to join The Tides-man's
staff, with the fair warning
that if she ever decided to leave
she'd have to suffer a daily verbal
beating by me. After all, how could
anyone quit and expect to achieve
perfection?
I'm not a liberal, or an intellec­tual
stud or any of those awful
things that editors have been in
the past. I'm unlike them in an­other
way too. I can write. None of
them could.
I'm just a champion of the small
people; fair play is my motto, and
I've enjoyed coming down to your
level to make sure my editorial
page is the most widely read ever.
That figures, since I've added edi­torial
photography, an Editorial
Board, Bodoni headlines and my
own personal touch of perfection.
I'll burn the SGA for you, fight
the Communications Board so
that you can see Streaker pictures,
date the girls in Auburn Hall and
even wash my clothes at Thach
Hut. Just remember that. I'm just
like you, except I'm perfect.
Preoccupied with sex? Really, us?
Though it may be hard to be­lieve,
we of The Tidesman's Edi­torial
Board are sensitive to critic­ism
— especially the unfounded
criticisms that we are promoting
immorality by our editorial pre­occupation
with sex, nudity and
bodily functions.
Why, as Kathy was saying to
Rheta as we were all walking into
the Tiger Theatre late show the
other night, "Cripe, I hope they
show more skin in this one than
they did last week."
There! See, Kathy, like every­body
else on the Editorial Board,
was concerned not with sex or nud­ity
but the aesthetics of the movie.
So were Greg and Mike and Bill.
(See how cleverly I wrote that? I
didn't use the word "I" — so you
don't know who wrote this, or any
other of our editorials that we of
the Editorial Board write! Nyah,
nyah, nyah!)
Just the other day, as we were
We were wrong on AWS
taking pictures of toilets and try­ing
to round up anotherstreakerto
run through Rev. Britt's Sunday
sermon, a student wife came up to
us and started cussing us out.
"Why, you sons of a **!?!#, why
don't you clean up your **!?!#
newspaper," she said. "While
you're pushing all this nudity and
**!?!#, you're becoming a disgrace
to the University and Auburn."
Now, we don't mind criticism
that is justified, but this is too
much. To suggest that we're oc­cupied
with sex and nudity, well
. . . just ask those SGA turkeys
what they seen on the editorial
page. They don't see the sex and
At last
nudity, but put in a three-inch
blast at one of them, and they burn
the barn about it.
Besides, how can anyone say
we're preoccupied with all that
stuff, especially when we end our
editorials with such profound
statements. You'll see, just keep
reading.
Sex! Nudity! Bodily functions!
Impeachment of the President!
An end to the energy crisis! Burn
the Senate! Sex! Nudity! Sex! More
nudity!
And though it remains to be
seen, the most likely and by far the
most grave outcome is that for cen-i
turies to come, time will pass.
Well! I thought we'd never get
that Bill Wood out of the news­room.
But now that he's kidnaped,
and Greg Lisby is running the
show, I must take this opportunity
to protest what Wood did to my
articles.
You'd think I was a monosyl­labic
idiot to read my articles after
Wood edited them; the sentences
were so short and the language so
inane.
Perhaps I now have a chance to
display in greater measure my
literary ability. I shall now proce­ed
to outline, in about a thousand
words, my views on the future of
strategic arms limitation . . . that
is, unless Lisby decides to cut
Well, folks, we were wrong about
this hassle with Student Govern­ment
and the Associated Women
Students. A solution proposed this
week seems most reasonable: to in­corporate
SGA as a committee of
AWS.
Although others may take cre­dit
for the idea, we know whose
idea it v as. It was the brainchild of
Minna Roth, former AWS pres­ident.
We commend her for her en­lightened
thinking.
SGA with its massive bureau­cracy
will be greatly streamlined
under the new proposal, with the
SGA president serving as head of
the AWS committee on students.
Those nasty old politicos should
shape up as soon as they find out
how to give a good tea, how to hold
secret elections and how to avoid
getting raped.
We fully endorse the proposal,
and we feel it is a credit to Minna.
As one observer put it, "There are
many fish in the sea, but there's
only one Minna."
Dog-dating could solve problems
Bill Wood, Editor in absentia (Kidnapped)
Jud Landrum, Business Manager
in partial absentia (He's not all here)
The Auburn Tidesman may well be the student-edited newspaper of
the University of Alabama at Auburn (UAA), but then, we're not real
sure ourselves. Signed columns represent only the opinion of the writ­er,
while unsigned editorials labeled "Our bias "airi 't thoseof nobody in
particular.
Now that Auburn is making
some progress toward breaking
down racial barriers — with more
interracial dating — the time has
come to move on. It is time for more
Auburn students to date animals.
Some hostility obviously exists
between people and animals here
at Auburn. Son-of-a-gun! You can
see dogs barking at people, cats
meowing at coeds and coeds
meowing back.
The only way to overcome this
tension is through inter-genusdat-ing.
As a start, I propose that we
date dogs.
This would be easy enough to do.
Son-of-a-gun! I know some guys
that date some girls from thcQuad
that are pretty close already. As
one of them said to me the other
day as I attempted to knock her off
her bicycle in my tan Camaro,
"Bow, wow!"
I would have asked her out, but
she just straightened her tail up,
shook her ears, and took off on all
fours toward Sewell Hall to drive
around with other coeds attempt­ing
to get a glimpse of a jock. Son-of-
a-gun!
I would give you some other rea­sons
for inter-genus dating but my
letter got tied up in the U.S. Postal
Service, which keeps raising the
hell out of postal rates and cuts
back on services. Son-of-a-gun!
Just think what people dating
dogs would do for Auburn. No
more long lines at the movies, no
more problems with curfews, and
no more problems buying dates ex­pensive
food, since Jim Dandy
Chunx are so cheap!
And look at what it could do
for the Campus Police. With so
many dogs out late at night, the
campus would be secure. Would-be
robbers and would-be-attackers
would face the threat of being bit­ten
and scratched no matter where
they went. Son-of-a-gun!
The Campus Police wouldn't
have to carry guns — not that they
have to now. Let's face it, Auburn
is a pretty quiet place. All they'd
need would be bottles of "Doggie-
Don't" dog repellent.
Of course, the question comes
up, would I date a dog if I had the
chance? Son-of-a-gun!
Sure I would — and why not, if
the dog had a good pedigree, ha*d
no fleas and didn't mind coming in
at 10 p.m. so I could go to sleep on
time.
page 11 April 1,1974 THE AUBURN TIDESMAN
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Bootlicker explains
April Fool opposition
A few weeks ago, I voted against
the campus newspaper having an
April Fool's edition, in my posi­tion
on the Board of Student Com­munications.
Let me here explain
why.
My reasons were not, as some
have suggested, that I am nervous
about what that radical bunch of
pseudo-liberals at The Auburn
Tidesman might put in an April
Fool's edition, especially since
state elections are coming up this
year. It is not the purpose of a cam­pus
newspaper to lick the boots of
state officials; that is my job.
(And, I might add, since I have
thrown my hat into lobbying — re­vealing
my shining dome — all the
boots of state officials have been
thoroughly licked. Thoroughly.
Why, we licked State Finance
Director Taylor Hardin's boots so
thoroughly that the leather started
rotting!)
Rather, my reason for opposing
the April Fool's edition is that I
didn't have one when I was editor
back in 1955. Yes, The Tidesman
(then The Plainsman) did exist
back then.
Now, my volume of The Plains­man
was the best one ever put out.
Therefore, anything done dif­ferently
has to be poorer.
Let me say that there is no truth
to the rumors that we had an April
Fool's edition, but destroyed all
copies of it. That is inoperative, as
my respected colleague Ron
Zeigler would say.
Auburn would be a lot better off
if The Tidesman would quit print­ing
all that nasty stuff about our
administration and state of­ficials.
It would make my job a
heckuva lot easier, too.
It is for this reason that Harry
and I are ordering you not to print
an April Fool's edition. You will
print no such edition until you re­ceive
the approval of
Mr. Whitewash's letter had to be
cut here. The rest of the text of the
letter is a list of 319 organizations,
including the Auburn Board of
Trustees, the Keep Opelika Beauti­ful
Club and Dean Cater's Sewing
Circle.
—Editor's note
J. Herbert Whitewash
Harry's Press Secretary
Cover pharmacy, dammit!
After careful consideration and
review we, the undersigned, have
decided that The Tidesman is
totally lacking in any sense of
news judgment or priority place­ment.
On the front page of last week's
issue The Tidesman spent con­siderable
time, space and money to
inform Auburn readers that Nixon
had been impeached, Haley Cen­ter
had burned down, Pres. Phil-pott
had been arrested by the IRS,
and graduation requirements had
been reduced to 85 credit
hours—yet the paper ignored the
annual pharmacy picnic which
was held at Chewacla Saturday.
Where is your sense of im­portance?
Don't you realize that
the picnic was attended by nearly
40 people? We would have reached
our goal of 50 participants if The
Tidesman had not thwarted our
publicity efforts.
We sincerely hope that The
Tidesman will take all possible
steps to remedy this oversight. We
are looking forward to seeing the
pharmacy school on the front page
for the rest of the quarter.
Jil Losof, 5PY
Bike Mishop, 5PY
AU girls: pro and con (job)
What excuse
for naivete?
The female scholars of Auburn
University are almost totally un­acquainted
with the sexual
aspects of male-female relation­ships
when they arrive in Auburn,
or such is the contention that has
reached my ears in the few months
I have been here.
But what excuse, I wonder, can
be given for most of them leaving
this institution in precisely the
same condition?
T. J. Bowl HI
Department of^Philosophy
Why can't
Bowl mature?
I, for one (and I daresay many of
my colleagues share my view) find
Mr. Bowl's naive assertion that no­thing
much happens to women in
the four years they spend at Au­burn
to be merely that — an un­founded
statement.
Indeed, as those of us who have
spent more years in amorous pur­suits
than Mr. Bowl has lived well
know, measures of females'
experience are all but evanescent.
Further, one may not rely upon
male accounts of their exploits
with Auburn women to any degree
(although their statements would
no doubt counter Mr. Bowl's un­founded
assertion).
In any event, to counter what
Mr. Bowl finds the incredible
naivete of Auburn women, the pro­cedure
is simple. The male simply
evaluates those females he knows
on an objective scale (much like
my Chemistry 103 grading scale),
chooses the proper female, and uh
. . . well, one can read in "Play­boy,"
"Penthouse," or a similar
learned journal what to do from
there.
Anyone (including Bowl) can
very easily point a finger of deri­sion;
to do so takes little talent,
only the experience of being
thwarted in amorous pursuits by a
sweet little be-home-by-curfew
sorority girl. I suggest Mr. Bowl
show a little more professional­ism
in his approach so that he
might score once in a while, lest
those outside Auburn draw ill-formed
conclusions about the state
of the men of the Auburn faculty.
Jay Old
Professor of Chemistry
Why can't
Jay reason?
I trust Professor Old is more
competent at teaching chemistry
than he is, as indicated by his let­ter
responding to mine on the
naivete of Auburn women. I hope
so, for the letter itself is a melange
of factual distortion and argu­ment
ad hominem.
(1) Professor Old suggests that I
said nothing much happens to wo­men
in the four years they spend at
Auburn. Nothing could be further
from the truth as this observer per­ceives
it. Auburn women are
wined, dined, held, coddled, en­couraged
and persuaded by every
male who has social contact with
them. Indeed, this experience
alone must have some effect on
them.
That effect, I submit, is harden­ed
determination to resist the ad­vances
of the even the more pro­ficient
lovers in our midst.
(2) The implication that I have
not scored frequently has nothing
to do with my argument, and
further has no relevance since it is
utterly without foundation. If the
men of the Auburn faculty all did
as well for themselves as do I, out­siders
could only conclude that our
fair East Alabama village is, shall
we say, a breeding ground for the
finest lovers anywhere.
T. J. Bowl III
Department of Philosophy
Dear T. J. and Jay:
You ain't seen nothin' yet.
Lesser Campbell
Arts and Sciences
Wont ads
work miracles!
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THE AUBURN TIDESMAN April 1, 1974 page 15!
Dean foy awarded promotion as new school mascot
t^BSJMmLUfm) fTTf*l 1 ^S
By Catrina Hugger
Tidesman Staff Writer
In an effort to Tide-dye Auburn
University after its incorporation,
into the University of Alabama,
University officials have named
James Foy, former dean of stu­dent
affairs, as the new War Eagle
V. His position, however, is tem­porary
until the War Elephant
ordered for a low, low price from
Rhodesia is delivered.
The War Elephant's arrival has
been delayed indefinitely since the
elephant became involved in a
major scrape with the law. Notic­ing
the unsteadyness of the ele­phant's
step while crossing the
state line, an astute Alabama state
patrolman suspected that the ele­phant
had a snoot full.
Further inspection revealed a
concealed fifth in the elephant's
trunk. The elephant isn
Further inspection revealed a
concealed fifth in the elephant's
trunk. The elephant is now serv­ing
a ten-year stretch at Atmore
State Pen.
When asked how he felt about
the delay, Foy replied that he was
looking forward to his reign as
War Eagle V. Of course being
school mascot will mean many
changes in Foy's lifestyle. Foy,
however, gracefully accepted.
Alpha Phi Omega's offer of the
new aviary for his home.
While packing, Foy discussed
some of the similarities between
his old.lifestyle and the upcoming
one. "There will be little change in
diet," quipped Foy, "I've always
lived off of birdseed, and being up
a tree is not an unfamiliar situa­tion.
I'm pleased to soar with the
finest. . . up, up, and away, I'm an
eagle today." With that closing re­mark
Foy flew the coop.
In a later interview, Foy,
perched atop a tree, seemed chirpy
as he spoke of his new life. He had
completely shorn his locks in or­der
to better fill his role as a bald
eagle. As he spoke, tears came to
his eyes.
"As much as I'd like these to be
tears of emotion, they aren't" he
said. "I truly love my new station
in live. AHH CHOO! But, AHH
CHOO! the reason I'm crying is be­cause
I'm allergic to these feathers
that I have glued all over me. But,
one should endure a little for the
good 'ol Auburn spirit. That's
what makes Auburn Auburn."
When questioned about his con­tinuing
relations with human be­ings
Foy said, "A War Eagle in the
hand is worth two in the bush. So,
I'll continue to be handy. I will,
however, have to terminate my
relationship with Kitty Cater . . .
a bird that plays with a cat ws
asking for trouble.
Foy has been slightly apprehen­sive
concerning the new plan to
mate him with the War Elephant
when she arrives. He has recon­ciled
himself to the fact, however,
that it will be in the best interest of
Auburn. "After all," said Foy,
"everyone at Auburn has a few
bad blind dates. I should be no ex­ception.
Just so she doesn't get
underfoot or vice versa. At least
she won't be like some women I
know — she can live off peanuts!"
Women win out
in political coup
By Katchka Slovic
Tidesman Staff Writer
"This is one giant step for
womankind," former AWS pres­ident
Minna Roth said when the
Associated Women Students voted
unanimously to make the SGA a
cabinet committee of AWS. The
plan which had been proposed at
an AWS meeting earlier was pas­sed
largely through the efforts of
newly elected AWS President
Glenda Earwood.
"I'm really not too clear on the
exact details of the plan," Roth
said. "You'd have to talk to Glenda
about that."
Earwood said, "I am so glad
Minna gave me this chance to
serve the women students at Au­burn.
I've been dying to be their
voice on campus and now that
SGA will be subservient and
inferior to AWS I feel we can real­ly
make some progress."
Earwood said she felt AWS
would have no problem getting the
administration to aprove the
incorporation of SGA. "I'll have
Kitty lapping milk out of my hand
by the time this is all over," she
said.
SGA President Ed Milton said
he did not see how the men at Au­burn
could be adequately re­presented
if the SGA were made a
committee of AWS! "We've been
unable to give the women a voice
in student government," he said,
"what makes those broads think
they can cover us adequately?"
Roth said the results of the AWS
voting would not be made public.
"All you can quote me on is that all
12 members were present and the
vote was unanimous," she said.
ODK Turkey Awards
pay homage to leaders
The second annual Turkey
Awards were announced by mens'
leadership fraternity Omicron
Delta Kappa during Friday's ban­quet
in the Boom-Boom Room of
the All-American Inn. This year's
winners will receive a free copy of
Dr. Maehl's HY 103 syllabus. They
are:
Brucie Millaland, former Tides-man
editor, for his continuous ef­forts
to make the paper a better
public relations o r w
Coach Bill Lynn for packing the
most popcorn into bags at the con­cession
stand with butter on his
fingers and a grimace on his face.
Elvis Presley for his generosity
as evidenced by the benefit con­cert
he gave at Auburn winter
quarter.
Turn Butsford for Action Ecol­ogy
efforts, since his magazine,
The Circle, was the number one
Philpott linked with Watergate
By Steve Hokum
Tidesman Staff Writer
Auburn President Harry M.
Philpott and two former Auburn
students, Jerry Batts and Louis
Adams, were accused Tuesday by
Maurice Stans of making an il­legal
contribution to the 1972
Nixon Presidential campaign.
Alabama state investigators an­nounced
a possible link between
the contribution and the disap­pearance
of a $31,376.09 surplus in
item in the recycling drive con­ducted.
Katherine Flush for distribut­ing
the most pot pies in a 24-hours
period and for her attempt at nos­talgia
by serving food first cooked
in 1965.
Freita Fuller for sacrificing her
public relations job with the U.S.S.
Alabama to become a part-time
dough mixer for Taste-T-O Donuts.
Harold "the Unready" Grant for
reading chapter 2 in the Red Cross
First Aid Manual.
"Mad Tom" Belcher, history in­structor,
for calling the roll in class
so that he will know the people he
reams.
Robert V. Scandelson for in-coherency
above and beyond the
call of the duty of a philosophy as­sistant
professor.
Auburn University student activ­ity
funds.
The three men were implicated
along with officials from seven
other Southern universities dur­ing
Stans' testimony in hearings
related to an alleged illegal
$100,017.09 contribution made by
Howard Hughes through Charles
"BEBE" Rebozo, millionaire Flor­ida
financier.
Only the Auburn contribution
appears to have consisted of stu­dent
activity funds.
Batts, SGA president in 1972,
and Adams, SGA Budget and
Finance Committee chairman,
and Philpott allegedly created the
surplus by denying funds to cer­tain
campus organizations, then
pooled the funds with money from
other universities.
After resting in a saving ac­count
at a Cocoa Beach, FL bank
from Sept. 27, 1972 until Nov. 31,
1972, the funds were channeled
through Charles "BEBE" Rebozo
into the Nixon campaign. Rebozo
is an intimate friend of Philpott's.
YESi The tremendous author of "Saturdays to
Remember" has done it attain. This book con­tains
h 00 blank pages of such scores as 35-
0, 12-18, and 21-0. Also some partial scores
of 35,21, and 3k. The pages are blank because
Duke has already forgotten or else doesn't
want to remember,
DUKE WILL BE SELLING HIS BOOK ON TOP
OF THE FLAG POLE IN FRONT ON SAMFORD
.HALL TUESDAY FROM 12j00-1:00 ( HIS
LUNCH HOUR).
H B O U a a H B a i B U B M l H - - J