1973-04-01 The Auburn Plainsperson

              THE AUBURN PUINSPERSON
APRIL FOOL AUBURN UNIVERSITY AUBURN, ALABAMA APRIL 1, 1973 8 PAGES
Converted:
CONVERTED PHILPOTT
. . .Does Hindu dance
Plainsman size,
name change
Effective with this issue, The
Auburn Plainsman is chang­ing
its name to "The Auburn
Plainsperson" and cutting its
page size in half.
The changes are being made
in response to demands by
local women's liberationists.
Liberationists had com­plained
that "Plainsman"
ignored the contributions of
the many women students of
Auburn University.
Mary Anne Hall, speaking
for the women's libbers, de­manded
that the name be
changed to "The Auburn
Plainswoman," but Editor
Thom Botsford declined to ac­cept
"Plainswoman" as a
name for the paper because "It
would be sexism in reverse."
The liberationists also
claimed that the page size of
The Plainsman was too large
for women to handle con­veniently.
Effective this issue,
The Plainsperson is being
printed in the smaller, tabloid,
format.
The Plainsperson invites
comment on the changes.
New Hindu Philpott to change dining halls
By Henrico Frisbee
Plains Person
Pres. Harry M. Philpott was
converted to Hinduism while
touring the East last quarter
on his Danforth grant, the
Plainsperson learned during a
wide-ranging interview Sun­day
morning.
His first move as a Hindu
university president will be to
intervene "personally" in the
cafeteria scandal in the wo­men's
dorms. Philpott, form­erly
an ordained Baptist
minister, said the food served
in the women's dining halls
was "unwholesome—no, un­palatable."
"I should not have permit­ted
those unclean vittles to be
served at a dining hall I'm res­ponsible
for," said Philpott.
Asked what caused the
change in policy, Philpott re­vealed
that the news of the
wide-spread illness at the wo­men's
dorms last quarter com­bined
with his conversion
caused him to change his mind
"on a lot of things" during his
recent trip to Asia.
Converted * to Hinduism
while in India, Philpott said
that not only will there be a
change in preparation of the
food but also a change in diet.
"Meat of all kinds will be for­bidden,"
he announced, "This
should be easy for the cafeteria
to comply with."
Asked how he was con­verted
to Hinduism, Philpott
said he was touring the Indian
state of Uttar Pradesh when he
encountered a Brahman
standing on his head reciting
the Four Vedas.
The president said he asked
the Brahman what he was do­ing:
"He said, 'I am standing
on my head reciting the Four
Vedas.' I was so touched by his
honesty that I was converted
on the spot."
"He took me aside and we
meditated among the water
buffalo eight days and nights.
When it was over, I came away
with a different point of view,
as you can see," said Pres­ident
Philpott as he got off a
bed of nails and walked over to
some freshly lit coals.
Here, in part, is a transcrip­tion
of part of the interview.
(The other part consisted of
Hindu chants.)
Plainsperson: Are any other
changes planned?
Philpott: Yes, As you know,
India has a caste system.
People of a lower caste don't
even look on the food of a high­er
caste. Therefore Auburn stu­dents
cannot see what the
faculty and dorm staffs eat.
P l a i n s p e r s o n : That's a
change?
Philpott: Don't get cute.
Plainsperson: No sir.
Dr. Philpott, doesn't this put
Hinduism in a favored status
at the University?
Philpott: We are just trying
to improve conditions at Au­burn.
There will be no pres­sure
or hard sell used on any­one
who listens to reason.
Plainsperson: What other
changes will there be?
Philpott: We plan to replace
the Wreck Tech parade with of­ferings
to Vishnu. In India,
these offerings are of rice, coco­nuts
and fruits, but we will
have to substitute grits and
watermelons.
Plainsperson: Isn't that ir­regular?
Philpott: No. There are many
local variations of Hinduism
throughout Asia.
Plainsperson: How many
sects are there in India?
Philpott: Just like here, two:
men and women.
Plainsperson: No sir, you
don't know what I'm talking
about.
Philpott: Believe me, son,
at my age I know what you're
talking about.
Plainsperson: No sir, sects,
SECTS, SECTS!!!
Philpott: Curb your tongue,
lad! Is that all you young peo­ple
think about? Here, read
this!
Plainsperson: "The Noble
Eight-Fold Path"?
Philpott: Yes, it'll do you a
world of good!
Plainsperson: What other
literature did you bring back?
Philpott: The Brahman gave
me a book but I don't have it
here.
Plainsperson: What's it
about?
Philpott: I don't know. I
haven't read it yet. The title is
er. . .uh, Kama something, I
forget.
Plainsperson: Thank you
for your time, sir.
Philpott: Oh, before you
leave, could you hand me that
book over there?
Plainsperson: This one?
Philpott: No, the other one,
"Red Cross First-Aid for Cuts
and Burns."
FOY SPEARHEADS NEW DRIVE
. . .Focusing on campus VD problem
'Wah Eaguir to attack
YD with Auburn spirit
By Boone Aches
Reprinted From
The Birmingham News
Dean James E. Foy, twice
recipient of the rare Red Cross
Blood Program Award for his
champion blood drive recruit­ing,
has been called upon by
the Auburn University Board
of Trustees to spearhead a
Venereal Disease Spirit Drive.
According to a Board
spokesman, students will be
encouraged to go to the
campus Health Center during
the drive for a VD blood test.
Immediately after the drive,
the names of those who are
found to have the disease will
be published in the Auburn
Plainsperson.
"The reason for publicly an­nouncing
the names of these
contaminated persons," Dr.
Kalla, head of the check-up
phase, said, "is because we
here at Auburn do not have the
(See VD, page 6)
ODK announces Golden Turkey winners
Omicron Delta Kappa men's
leadership honorary (Women
aren't leaders and therefore
aren't members) has an­nounced
the winners of the
1972-73 Golden Turkey
awards.
The winners are, according
to ODK President Louis
Adams, "the top turkeys on
and off campus." Adams said
ODK picks the turkeys each
year to honor those who have
achieved true distinction and
because "We don't have any­thing
else to do at ODK meet­ings
except eat the Mag Din­ing
Hall food."
Winners are requested to
take their checks for $50 by the
Student Affairs Office in
Martin Hall to pay for initia­tion
picnic expenses. Those
turkeys who would like golden
gobblers for their mantles or
trophy cases may order them
from Beware Jewelers or
Uncle Don's Turkey Farm in
the studios of WEGL-FM.
Golden Turkey Awards go
this year to:
Sen. Edward Kennedy,
for dynamic and invigorating
public speaking at the Auburn
Coliseum.
Colonial Properties, Inc.,
developers of the Village Mall,
for preserving the tall pine
trees in front of the shopping
center.
Off-Campus Senator Tay­lor
Boyd, for eloquence in
speaking before the Student
Senate. Boyd also gets honor­able
mention for his Senate
resolution with 14 "where­ases,"
12 "be-it-therefore-re-solveds,"
and 11 words so big
that he himself doesn't even
know the meaning.
The Student Health
Center, for getting a new,
well-equipped ambulance to
serve students. (What? No
radio?)
Jethro Tull, for protecting
their sound by insisting on a
72-degree temperature maxi­mum
for theirjiroposed perfor­mance
in Auburn Coliseum.
Tull also gets the Acting-Like-
Spoiled-Kiddies award from
the Auburn Interagency Day
Care Center.
Vet School Senator Louis
Adams, for memorizing,
cover-to-cover, the 1972-73
"Tiger Cub" and faithfully
spouting its contents at meet­ings,
conferences, picnics and
horse-worming parties.
Yogi Goswami, for stick­ing
up for the rights of foreign
students who have been asked
stupid questions by The
Plainsperson (formerly The
Plainsman). Is it really hard
for you to get a date, Yogi?
Adolfo Ojeda, for answer­ing
The PIainsperson's stupid
(See TURKEY, page 6)
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THE AUBURN PLAINSPERSON April 1,1973 page 2
-R. C. Cola
COED SNIPER PEERS OUT OF WINDOW
. . .Has effectively slowed University forces
— 1
Red-hot news flashes
from all over campus
Andelson's book to be
condensed
Philosophy professor Robert
V. Andelson's best selling
book, "Computed Wrongs"
will become a Readers' Digest
Condensed Book next month,
according to University News
Whitewash Writer Trudy Far-out.
Ms. Farout reported in a
story that headlined the Ope-lika-
Auburn News Sunday
that Readers' Digest Con-ensed
Book Editor Ima Hack
would condense Andelson by
cutting out all sentences ex­cept
the first in each para­graph.
Ed Mudd elected ODK
President
Ed "Redd" Mudd, former
SGA Secretary of Ballot Fix­ing,
was elected president of
Omicron Delta Kappa (ODK),
men's leadership honorary,
Sweat baby,
the cooling
ain't coming
Col. L. E. Funchess, Build­ings
and Grounds Depart­ment
head, announced Friday
that because of the pending
fuel shortage in the U.S., the
air conditioning in Haley
Center will not be turned on
until November 1.
Funchess said that his de­partment
will issue survival
kits to all University em­ployes
working or teaching to
help improve conditions dur­ing
the day in the building.
The survival kit consistsof a
fan and a bikini for female em­ployes
and a fan and a pair of
bermuda shorts for males.
Funchess admitted that male
employes will be permitted to
go topless.
He said it is University
policy that employes utilize the
kits only inside their private
offices between the hours of 11
a.m. and 2 p.m.
Funchess promised that any
signs of promiscuity '• will be
severely dealt with by "the Uni­versity.
I
I
I
I
I
I
-J
Saturday during the annual
banquet at the Krystak.
Mudd, a shrewd politician
who organized the Auburn
Republicans for McGovern
Campaign last fall, said he at­tributed
his victory to "my
hard work in getting all my
fraternity brothers in ODK."
King J e r r y the good takes
first drink
King Jerry the Good, bene­volent
monarch of the Student
Government Association,
drank about three ouncesofan
alcoholic beverage at The All
American Inn Friday night
during a birthday party for
University Trustee Crusty
Bamberg, witnesses reported.
Student members of the
Mary Magdeline Society, meet­ing
across the hall, were repor­tedly
"horrified and shocked"
over King Jerry's new "obses­sion."
The good, good king ad­mitted
his error when ques­tioned
by The Plainsperson.
"I'm sorry. Ijustdidn'twantto
offend Mr. Crusty. I can as­sure
all my dry subjects that I
will continue my policy set up
by the great governors, Gov.
Brew and Gov. Wallow, and
serve no liquor in the SGA
office," he said.
Coed shocked fatally, two cops
wounded as libbers take dorm
One coed activist was fa­tally
shocked and two Univer­sity
policemen wounded dur­ing
the violence which erupted
Sunday following the take­over
of Leta Dowdell Hall by
about 120 radical coeds
Talice Murray succumbed
late Sunday after having an
emotional breakdown when
she was grabbed by Head Resi­dent
Bette M. Palmleaf while
leading the successful occupa­tion
attempt of the dormitory,
according to her personal phy­sician.
A friend of Ms. Murray's,
Mary Katherine Mudslinger of
BULLETIN — Campus
Police Gen. Millard Dudson
was wounded by sniper fire
early this morning while
reportedly attempting to
rescue Ms. Palmleaf.
Drake Student Health
Center officials have re­fused
to evacuate the fall­en
leader from the battle­field
pr_ admit him to the
Center because he doesn't
have a valid student iden­tification
card in his pos-session.
WEGL studios, explained that
the pressure of the current
women's crisis plus "all the ex­citement
Talice had in The
Summer Plainsman" was too
much for her.
Debby Low said the group
has three demands which
must be met by the adminis­tration
before the dormitory
will be returned to the Univer­sity.
Ms. Low said that the
group is demanding the aboli­tion
of all sign-in and sign-out
regulations and curfews along
with the demolition of Terrell
Dining Hall (a move which
Terrell Administrator,
Kathryn Hurry, has flatly re­jected).
Soldiers Taura Lewis and
Taura Kennerdy also revealed
that "the movement" has
taken five football players as
hostages to ensure that all of
the group's demands are met.
Ms. Lewis said that Terry
Henley, Wade Whatley, David
Langner, Randy Walls and
Rick Christian are being in­terrogated
by Specialists
Bunny Bust and Patricia
Palmer.
"We will begin pulling a
hamstring on one of the jocks
beginning at 9 a.m. Monday
(today) and at six hour inter­vals
until they run out of ham­strings,"
Ms. Kennerdy said.
"If we don't achieve our goals,
we will have effectively
crippled the 1973 jock squad."
Campus Police Gen. Millard
Dudson said he has the area
surrounded. Army ROTC stu­dents
are on stand-by alert and
Naval ROTC midshipmen
Finally more
parking spaces
Because of the inadequate
parking facilities on campus,
University officials an­nounced
Thursday that agree­ment
has been reached with
the State of Alabama to allow
the construction of a parking
lot covering the area of what is
now Chewacla State Park.
Auburn Vice Presiaent Ben
Landed said the area would be
paved in asphalt by June crea­ting
about 5,000 needed park­ing
spaces for students.
Landed said the area would be
zoned "D," which is for any
student's or faculty member's
use except freshmen.
have the area cordoned off by
sea.
A sopkesman for Air Farce
ROTC secretly admitted offer­ing
cadets $100 a day scholar­ships
to serve a kamikaze
pilots until the dorm is re­taken.
The spokesman said the
scholarships would be ad­ministered
posthumously.
The Office of Women has of­ficially
reported that there
have been four attempts on the
reputation of Dean Katherine
Cater thus far and that six
other "declarations of intent"
have been received by the of­fice.
Smoking bad
for his health
A student identified only as
"Arlo" is in fair condition in
the Student Health Center
with multiple injuries, after
falling from the fourth floor of
Haley Center Sunday night.
"Arlo" told Health Center
doctors that he was smoking a
cigarette (?) on the observa­tion
deck when he "threw the
wrong butt off."
HARRY M'S DRUGS
Get
Happy
Harry's
Habit
YOU HAVENT SEEN OUR GREAT VALUES YET?
IS lb. side of beef-$8,000
I
I
open 25 hours a day!!! I
SUPER GRUB
Red-red robin brings
wild Wild-Willie suit
page 3 April 1, 1973 THE AUBURN PLAINSPERSON
A local cave dweller and hu­morist
has been named in a
libel and defamation suit
which was filed by four Au­burn
plaintiffs in Opelika Cir­cuit
Court Friday.
Named in the suit is Wild
Willie, of 3113 W. Glenn Ave.,
Cave 4. Willie writes a humor
feature for The Auburn Plains-person.
"I don't think his trash de­serves
to be called humor,"
What's good
for goose good
for Vet School
The goosestep—famous
march of the German
Nazis—has been adopted as a
"study and discipline aid" by
the School of Veterinary Med­icine,
announced Vet School
Dean James E. Spleen Friday.
Spleen explained that all vet
students would report to the
Basic Science Building at 5
a.m. each morning to par­ticipate
in goosestep cere­monies.
"We felt the measure was
needed since some uppity stu­dents
were not showing proper
respect to authorities. One stu­dent
senator whose name I
won't mention failed to salute
me the other day," said Dean
Spleen.
The idea to adopt the goose-step
originated in the Vet
School Board of Ethical Rela­tions,
noted for its creation of a
discipline code patterned after
those in Franco's Spain.
"Lately, the committee has
been admiring the discipline
instilled into the white race by
Hitler," said Board Chairman
Bill Rage.
"Our reputation as an out­standing
vet school won't last
long if our discipline is lax.
Who knows, we might be
integrated by greasy foreign­ers
if we get too soft," com­mented
another Board mem­ber,
Patch A. Cow.
One of the vet school's
proudest achievements, ac­cording
to Dean Spleen, is the
operation of "camps" to re­form
vet students violating the
dress code.
said Marsha Farmer, co-plain­tiff
in the suit. "That garbage
Willie wrote about the red-red
robin and what girls aren't
wearing on campus was aimed
at me."
"It was a mean attack and I
won't stand for it," Ms. Farmer
said. "I should be able to let it
all hang out (to use one of
Thorn Botsford's expressions)
without everyone on campus
reading about it in that lousy
column."
Also a co-plaintiff in the suit
is Chris Carter, WEGL disc
jockey, program director and
Ultimate Source of Know­ledge.
Carter said that Willie
had defamed him and caused
his listening audience to lose
interest.
Contacted about the
charges, Willie said that it
would be impossible for
Carter's audience to lose any
more interest than it already
had.
Asked if he would be si­lenced
by the suit, Willie said
that he would continue to write
the column, no matter what
the consequences. "If they put
me in jail, I'll sic my cousin
Piney Woods Pete of 'The At­lanta
Journal' on them," Willie
threatened.
Other plaintiffs in the suit
are Dean of Catering
Catharine Women, (specializ­ing
in serving octupus) and
Director of Food Services
Kathryn Hurry.
If you want it
tome and get it
All extra-curricular student
organizations wishing to re­quest
allocations out of the
1973-74 Student Activities
Fees should pick up the re­quest
form from 304 Mary
Martin Hall.
Each organization should
fill out 100 copies of the form to
be given to each Student Sena­tor
and his innumerable assis­tants
for their consideration
and return the copies by April
17.
This will enable the SGA to
keep its coveted money and not
be required to make copies of
the Student Activities Fees Re­quest
Forms for every Student
Senator, his assistants, his
brother, his cousin and dog.
Crewell Hall
open house
first time ever.'
admission $5 on hour
see them in their
natural habitat
/
touch a real jock1.!!
$3 extra / *£ *gr_
ftriij uxiy yoaftj^tkerri...
Good by Chris
Throngs of Auburn students turned out
at Toomer's Corner Thursday to bid fare­well
to WEGL's own Chris Carter. Car­ter
is leaving his prestigeous disc jock
position on the money-making radio sta­tion
to join WCBS radio in New York as
janitor. Carter told The Plainsperson
that at WEGL he felt like "a big fish in a
miniature campus pond." He said he had
to move to a larger radio station in a
larger city if he expected to attain his
goals in life. WCBS officials said Carter
might be promoted to head janitor in,
give or take, a few centuries.
IVfcere to now, Freddie hat?
A new era in fraternity for­mats
has en volved this year as
more and more social groups
chose sites out of the country
for annual festivities. With
treks to ski resorts in Switzer­land,
exclusive chateaus along
the Seine, and dance pavilions
in South America, fraternity
and sorority functions costs
skyrocketed to an all time
high.
"We finally had to set a limit
of $25,000 a group on formal
expenditures," commented a
spokesman for the IFC. Some
clubs were beginning to put too
much emphasis on outdoing
fellow Greeks."
"I felt the party would be
an educational experience in
itself," said one coed who flew
to France for a weekend Phi
Mu formal.
"Yes, we(AlphaOmicronPi)
went to Rome this year to
party. We figured if our dates
got boring, we could always go
outside in the streets and get
pinched," explained an
enthusiastic AOPi.
The Theta Chi's were the
only group who were banned
from holding their formal out­side
of the United States next
year. Several of the club mem­bers
remain in jails in
southern Spain where they
were apprehended for acts of
vandalism in an art museum.
Lambda Chi Alpha fraterni­ty
visited the snowy heights of
Switzerland in a three day trip
that cost their club $24,000.
"There was so much to do! Lots
of people went skiing, par­ticipated
in yodeling contests,
and even took crash courses in
watch-making."
The Fiji's entered the
"Throw Your Frisbie Across
the Road Contest" in Brazil,
and decided to hold their
winter formal there. "We were
a little disappointed in the
party itself, commented one
fraternity member. You
know the grass always looks
greener on the other side."
Alpha Gamma Delta soror­ity
held an all-female formal in
the hills of Austria. Visiting a
nunnery made famous in the
musical "The Sound of Music,"
the Alpha Gamms sold Girl
Scout cookies to the peasants
and then prayed for their sis­ter
sororities.
Remaining at home this
year, the Sigma Alpha Epsilon
fraternity held a dance and
impromptu supper. "We are
trying to recuperate from out
trip to Magi Valley last year.
"Yes, we preferred to remain
in the South for our formal,"
said president of the Kappa
Alpha fraternity. The KA's
held their function at the Pratt-ville
Community Center in
Prattville, Alabama. "After
the dance, we all burned cros­ses
in 'certain' yards," he con­tinued.
5S-
Bull Shooti•n? Editor finds h i i i
Page Four April 1, 1973
Guidelines
The registrars Office has is­sued
guidelines to help fresh­men
adjust to college life:
I - Thou shalt not pay fees
with a bad check, for he who
does also shall bounce.
II - Thou shalt be satisfied
with an eight-o'clock class and
love the computer as thyself.
III - Thou shalt not bug thy
department head.
IV - Thou shalt not covet
thy neighbors GPA, his sched­ule
nor curriculum.
V - Honor thy house­mother
and advisers, that
their days may be long at Au­burn.
VI - Thou shalt not use
more then one bluebook dur­ing
an exam, for it doeth no
good.
VII - Thou shalt not offend
Buildings and Grounds, for
their absence would cause a
pestilence to come upon the
land.
VIII - Thou shalt not
violate curfew unless thou hast
had both leg broken and be
held at gunpoint. (Ye regula­tions
have been liberalized).
IX - Thou shalt bring a dog­gie
bag back from thy date for
thy head-resident.
X - Thy coeds shalt not as­sociate
with independents un­til
ye fraternities are set up.
Impossible though it may be,
I must confess that I am un­happy.
Yes, I know this may be
construed as far-fetched, but
little do you average (but
equal!!) students realize the
"trials and tribulations" of
The Plainsman Editor.
Even though I realize full
well the pregnant possibilities
of my powerful position (by the
way—note the natural Jazz
rhythm of my journalistic
style) I am in a state of total
ambivalence (excuse me—bop,
bop. badop-de, dop) somewhat
like the unwanted fetus in the
womb of AU.
Norman Mailer would have
me ask (and therefore avoid
having to answer) the
"Establishment" what, if any,
"reasons" can Middle Amer­ica
assert for the obvious de­cline
in today's society? As for
Turn
Butsford
Get it right
Editor, The Plainsperson:
You and your crummy staff can't
get anything right in your stories.
And it's not because you don't know
better. I taught most of your news-writing.
Remember what I said? "Accuracy
is to a newspaper as virtue is to a wo­man."
P.C. (Pole Cat) Burnett
Professor, Journalism
me, wellll. . . (bop, bop, bop,
dedop) its a serious problem
and frankly I (bop) don't know
what to do about it. Pardon my
schizophrenia. . .what's that?
Drugs? I don't think
so. . .Liberals? REALLY,
now! Civil Rights Legisla­tion???
You're JOKING!!!!
Dwell upon this proclama­tion
for a moment. . .
IT MUST BE FULLY
REALIZED BY THE GEN­ERAL
PUBLIC THAT WE,
THE AMERICAN PEOPLE,
"I have pondered
this question many
times, but the an­swers
still elude
me..."
—Student demon­strates
R.V. Andel-son's
prize-winn­ing
lecture style.
LIVE IN A MACHINATED
SOCIETY CHOCKED FULL
OF INJUSTICE, POVERTY,
AVARICE, CORRUPTION,
EXPLOITATION, CRIME
AND PUNISHMENT! THE
ONLY LOGICAL COURSE
OF IMMEDIATE ACTION
LEFT IS FOR ALL OF
THOSE OF US LEFT (BOTH
LIBERALS, LIKE MYSELF,
AND RACISTS) IS TO MO­BILIZE
THE PEOPLE
To. . .uhhh. . . (bop, bop,
dedop. . .)
THE AUBURN PLAINSPERSON
Turn Butsford
Editor
Scrooge Witt
Business Manager
Managing Editor, Little Bill; News Editor, Dummy Johnson;
Features Editor, Rheta Grim; Sports Editor, John Pumpkin;
Entertainment Arts Editor, Cathy Space; Photographic Editor, R. C.
("Arsie") Cola; Copy Editor, Carl Sosweet; Technical Editor, Honey
Morgan.
Assistant News Editor, Loony Lisby; Assistant Sports Editor Sorry
Gierer; Assistant Technical Editor, Pantsy Franklin; Assistant
Photographic Editors, Mike St. Nicholas and Glenn "Flush" Brady.
Associate Business Manager,Mike Zuperman; Local Advertising
Route Manager, Stud Humdrum; Assistant Route Manager Kenny
the Dodger; Layout specialists Lisa Chix and Silly Wallace.
The Auburn Plainsperson is not the student newspaper of Auburn
University and never has been. Any resemblance to any other news­paper,
living or dead, is the merest of coincidences.
back from Hie summer rag
I'm the peach of your dreams
Merry Alice
Sunshine
Hiiiiiii! Howaya?!?!? Oh, I'm
so happy! My name is Merry
Alice Sunshine, and I love
everybody and everything, a
place for everything, and
everything in its place. Mine is
a world of Campfire Girls and
Nancy Drew novels, nature
hikes, and taffy pulls, enjoy­ing
long talks with my doggie,
Prudie, in the front porch
swings, and sitting with the
whole family around our hard­wood
table at supper, sharing
observations, dreams, hopes,
and aspirations with my firm
but loving Mom and Dad. I see
Mom's devotion in the freshly
bleached bobbie sox she lays
out for me to wear with my stif­fly
starched, 3 tiered petti coat
(the one I wear to Sunday
School).
Dad is always busy raking
in the money (tee, hee, hee), but
can always find the time to
give himself to his one and
only "little princess."
I have always felt that for
me one of the many obliga­tions
entailed by the demands
of leadership is to strike a
chord of unity and purpose in
the hearts of many thousands
of Auburn students. I feel my
talents could best be offered
with an open hand at this time
when the fruit tree of SGA elec­tions
blossoms forth amid the
peaceful orchard of Auburn
University. The ripening fruits
that are the candidates care­fully
dangle over the heads of
the student lemonpickers.
Now is the time to consider
which are the choicest
fruits—and my dearest hope is
that I am the "apple of your
eye" and the "peach of your
dreams" and the choice on
your ballot! Love, Peace, and
Hugs, MM—MMM! Merry
Alice Sunshine!
Secretary reveals all about 'sweet little stafffie'
Editor, The Plainsperson:
Turn, dear, you and your sweet lit­tle
staffie have been so good and kind
to your two little old secretaries that I
think we ought to let all the nice little
Auburn students know just who it is
around here who works their little
panties off every week. So I'd like you
to publish this litte notsy-wotsy to all
those school children out there, okay?
Dear Children:
I just don't think you younger
generation properly appreciate the
story-writers who work so hard here
getting out your little newspaper. So
I'm going to tell you who some of
them are and a little about them:
—Turn Butsford if Our Editor. Turn
mostly sits in his smoke-filled room
making plans. (Honestly, Turn, I just
don't know why you get so upset
when I tell people that!)
—Little Bill (a most unusual child)
is a dear little thing with lots of curly
hair. Some mornings he comes in in­sisting
that he has horns—depend­ing,
he says, on how he spent his time
the previous night. This doesn't make
much sense to me, but he does seem to
get a big kick out of telling everybody
about it.
—Honey Morgan likes to play with
scissors and glue a lot so they let him
paste all the stories on the pages.
—Cathy Space breezes in and out of
doors a lot. It's funny, though. She
says she calls Honey a name that has
something to do with passing winds.
—Stud Humdrum is on our
business staff. He comes in and reads
everybody else's mail because he says
he never gets any of his own.
—Scrooge Witt is Stud's boss. (Turn,
perhaps you'd better not publish this,
but I really do think Scrooge needs
professional help. Why, just the
other day I asked him what he wants
to do when he grows up and he turned
pale and positively screeched out at
me, "I want money, money, money,
money, . . ."). '
—Dummy Johnson is our News Ed­itor.
This means he's responsible for
the state of the world in this week's
paper.
—Loony Lisby helps Dummy.
Loony's a big help.
—Carl Sosweet spends lots of time
correcting everybody's homework.
He's Copy Editor so he has to know a
lot about peryuds and cumas and
speling.
—Pantsv Franklin is our lav-out
girl.
—Silly Wallace and Lisa Chix are
pretty good at laying-out too. They all
say they like to do it. They are es­pecially
busy Monday, Tuesday and
Wednesday nights, but sometimes
they even do it in the morning.
—John Pumpkin and Sorry Gierer
write all about those little games the
boys play.
—Arsie Dennis is last but not least.
Well, children, that's most of them.
The next time you see any of these
people I think you ought to get down
on your little knees and thank them
for the great job they do. After all,
without them, The Plainsman
wouldn't be what it is today.
Love and kisses,
(Miss) Scarv Grabner
Class of '28
page 5 April 1, 1973 THE AUBURN PLAINSPERSON
MR-Vj
Campus claps as Nerds tap saps
Ten senior nobodies
were tapped in a silly, se­cret
ceremony this morn­ing
for Nerds, Auburn's
lowest honorary.
The purpose of Nerds as
stated in the constitution
is to, uh, to. . .well any­way,
Nerds are more fa­mous
for making a lot of
money in illegal opera­tions
and controling the
Governing Students As­sociation
which doesn't
amount to a hill of beans
anyway.
Malvern S. Clotspayne. Selected
for outstanding honesty. Clotspayne
turned himself in to the Auburn vice-squad
and admitted that he had been
growing "grass" in his back yard for
two years. When asked where he first
got the marijuana, Clotspayne re­plied,
"Marijuana?"
Inna Froth. First female ever se­lected
for the honorary. As president
of AWS (Angelic Women Students)
she spearheaded a successful drive to
impeach Dean of Women Katharine
Cater because of her "radically li­beral
ideas" concerning women's
rules.
Boyd Tailor. Student Senator who
was selected for the honorary be­cause
he actually lived up to his cam­paign
promises last spring. In the
elections Tailor promised to do ab­solutely
nothing.
Martin H. Slaughterscrid. was
selected for his business acumen and
ability to come back when down.
After being arrested and acquitted for
bicycle thievery, Slaughterscrid es­tablished
a thriving secend-hand 10-
speed shop.
Arnold Fendergoosh. Selected
for outstanding courage. For three
hours Fendergoosh yelled ob-senities
and made nasty gestures at
the Auburn Police. However, he was
at his home in Birmingham at the
time.
Coach Will Lint. Chosen for cour­age
in the face of adversity and for op­timism.
When Lint "resigned" as
basketball coach after losing 20
games he observed "Nobody seems to
remember the six we won."
Gerald Blatz. Cited for the tre­mendous
success he has experienced
as head of Student Services Incor­porated.
Exact figures of profits will
not be abailable until Blatz returns
from a vacation in Sao Paulo, Brazil.
Dean Flames E. Joy. Was se­lected
for the honorary for his inspir­ing
school spirit. Dean Joy goes to his
office window six times and day and
bellows "war eagle." Dean Joy has
been the dean of student affairs at the
University of Alabama for 17 years.
John Jaxstones. President of the
local ACLU chapter. In a recent pro­test
over rising food costs, Jaxstones
burned the ROTC hanger, plowed up
the drill field, commandeered six
panty raids, turned over a motor­cycle,
hijacked a greyhound bus to
Cuba and threw out a Coke bottle
north of Fort Lauderdale.
Edsel C. Morticuds. Holds the
world's record for most parking
tickets in one week. Morticuds shat­tered
the old mark of 9 with his out­standing
75. He achieved the as­tounding
total by driving about the
campus 24 hours a day and running
down all pedestrians in Levis or on
Schwinn bicycles. He stopped only to
eat lunch—always in the wrong zone.
INSTANT STATUS!
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Look what happen.ed to SGA Veep Tommy
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w i l l be paired w i th a sorority sweetie for
an exciting dinner and ball at the house. Frater­nity
membership can also bring up your grades!
Our computerized EAZY-A service distributes the
study aides (copies of actual exams) you need for
making the Dean's List! Also, each new pledge
gets a free copy of our popular "GUIDE TO CRIP
COURSES," regularly sold at Gypum and Ca-pone
for $ 10.95. Join a frat today, but, before you
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THE AUBURN PLAINSPERSON April 1, 1973 page 6
Joins other 'honkers'
Vallery changed into goose
VALLERY SITS BEHIND DESK
. . .After goose change operation
Assistant to the President H.
Floyd Vallery was "changed
into a goose" Thursday, ac­cording
to an anonymous
source employed in the small
animal clinic.
The source, who visited the
Plainsperson office Thursday
afternoon but asked that his
name be withheld from publi­cation,
said four vet school
seniors performed the opera­tion
on Vallery Thursday
morning after obtaining secret
approval of their project a year
ago from Pres. Harry M. Phil-pott.
Although President Philpott
YD from page 1
could not be reached for com­ment,
Vet School Dean James
E. Spleen confirmed the report.
He explained that President
Philpott was simply trying the
bridge the generation gap by
putting a real goose in the
midst of the "honkers" in the
Student Government Associa­tion.
Lately, relations between
the administration—especial­ly
Vallery—and SGA person­nel—
especially Vice-resident
Tommy Phillips—have been
all wet. "Vallery the goose
should make a big splash in
the SGA pond," said Dean
Spleen.
Vallery the goose was re­ported
to be in excellent condi­tion.
He even managed a four
syllable "honk" as soon as the
anesthesia wore off, our source
commented.
Speculations on Vallery's
whereabouts had been circu­lating
on campus for the past
three days. In response to thou­sands
of inquiries, President
Philpott's press secretary,
Herb Whitewash, told the
public Wednesday to "stop
speculating" and issued the
following statement:
"Whatever state of affairs
surround Dr. Vallery's disap­pearance,
they are in the best
interests of the University, the
state, the nation, and the
world."
Vallery, The Plainsman dis­covered,
was in seclusion the
past three days studying the
strange and often fowl habits
of the SGA breed of geese.
facilities and the medical
knowledge to treat the di­sease.
Therefore, the best way
to keep if from spreading is to
make the public aware of those
persons whom they should not
encounter sexually."
Concern over the current
steep rise in the incidence of
VD on the Auburn campus
prompted the Board to deli­berate
on the matter for AVJ.
days before Redneck Bam-burger,
an old pro on the
Board, put on his thinking cap
and came up with the idea of a
drive led by Foy.
Pres. Harry Philpott was
pleased with Bamburger's idea
and has ordered similar head­gear
for the rest of the board in
hopes that their thinking capa­city
will also be increased.
Philpott said that to date their
thinking capacity has been
severely limited.
The Board announced its
selection of Dean Foy to head
the "cleanup" operation after
Foy's excited acceptance of the
position.
Later, Foy compared the VD
drive to the drive by the en­vironmentalists
to clean up the
world. "I am honored to be
chosen t9 head such a down-to-earth
project to clean up sex in­struments
in Auburn," Foy
said, "so that sex in the iov-liest
village' can resume being
the good clean fun that it was
when I went to school at the
University of Alabama."
Foy said he hopes that the
drive can be conducted on an
individual basis. "It's good to
have group participation by
fraternities and sororities, but
if we over-look those G.D.I.'s
we will leave a great potential
for future outbreaks of VI).
Just one bad apple can spoil
the whole bunch."
According to Foy, prizes will
he given for the most original
VI) Spirit Drive slogan
presented to a panel of judges
including Dean Cater, Mrs.
Harry Philpott. Miss Auburn
and three local ministers.
Foy has already come up
with his slogan and is chal­lenging
anyone to top
it—"Stop VI) with a big Wah
Egull."
First prize, if the winner is a
male, will be a three month's
supply of methaqualone, the
miracle love drug. A year's
supply of the product was first
considered by Foy, but then
was reduced to a threemonth's
supply due to doubts he had
that there was a male on
campus other than himself
who could live to use it all.
'Too much of the product
would tempt a young man to
oeverexert himself, and the
youth of today is too soft to en­dure
such an overload," Foy
said.
In the event of a female win­ner,
first prize will be a clip­ping
from a '69 edition of "Fe­male
Magazine" entitled,
"Tricks that Make Men Stay."
The article was donated by a
former Miss Auburn who says
that the article has its greatest
value in the notes that she per­sonally
made in the margin.
She also said that the clipping
is priceless not because of the
tricks listed that she has al­ready
proven, but because of
the stimulant it provides for
thinking up new tricks.
Door prizes will also be given
to the first hundred people to
arrive for their checkup, but
Dean Foy declined to com­ment
on the nature of the
prizes.
Momentos of the drive will
be made available by Student
Services, Inc. and will be sold
at a low-profit price of $5.95.
Each person who participates
in the drive will be able to ob­tain
his or her blood test slide,
preserved in a clear plastic
paperweight, complete with
Dean Foy's autograph and
slogan.
Foy reiterated the impor­tance
of everyone on campus
taking part in the drive which
will begin April 14 with a pep
rally at Toomer's Corner.
"We want everybody to come
out and support this thing so
we can clean up sex in Au­burn.
So if you've got spirit,
come on down to Toomer's
Corner April 14 at 9 a.m. and
we'll get 'em up for a big Wah
Egull, then proceed to Beat
VD!!"
Stranded on island
Pres. Harry Philpott announced Friday that Ed
Taylor coordinator of off campus housing, and
Herb White, director of University Relations, have
been sent to this island to study establishing an
extension of Auburn University there. Philpott al­so
said he was considering sending Ben Lanham,
vice president for academic affairs, there to help in
the study. Late Saturday, The Plainsperson
learned that no one seems to know the name of the
island and Philpott is t h e only one who reportedly
knows where i t ' s located.
Turkey
Biggie pot plant cans grower
from page 1
questions. We know you can
get a date, Adolfo.
Greg Gantt, University of
Alabama punter, for getting
kicks off under fire.
Bear Bryant, Alabama
coach, for not making excu­ses.
The Bear also gets honor­able
mention for his admis­sion
that 17 is more than 16.
Entertainment Director
Dave Scheirer, for service
above and beyond the call of
duty in booking top-name con­certs
for Auburn.
Dr. Paul Latimer of the
University Senate, for appli­cation
of the principles of
scientific research in making
out a completely unbiased aca­demic
grievance question­naire.
Rene Brinsfield, former
WEGL station manager, for
surprising, in the middle of the
woods near Auburn, 10 fox
hunters who met to call their
hounds back together.
Special turkey awards:
The Stand-Up-and-Clap Tur­key
Award, (or should that be
the Stand-Up-and-Applaud
Turkey Award? goes to the
SGA and IFC for their ven­ereal
disease information
drive.
The-Instant-and-Decisive-
Action Turkey Award goes to
the Student Senate for con­firming
Jimmy Tisdale as
director of Horizons III 10
months after he was nomi­nated.
Correction: This award
has been tabled indefinitely.
TheShare-the-Wealth Award
goes to Class Ring Sales Chair­man
Doug Meckes, for split­ting
ring commissions with his
rings committee. (Now where
did that committee go?)
The apathy Turkey Award
goes to . . . to . . .
Well, who cares?
Dr. Walter A. Greenthumb,
the professor of horticulture
who recently saved the to-basco
plant from extinction,
was arrested Saturday morn­ing
for growing a 500 foot
marijuana plant in his back
yard. The plant grew up over­night.
Dr. Greenthumb said he was
just experimenting. He has
conducted similar experi­ments
with tomatoes, growing
them as big as pumpkins.
Federal narcotics agents
spotted the plants while mak­ing
their rounds in a helicop­ter.
"About 100 students were
playing in the leaves of the
plant like monkeys," one of the
agents said.
Order Your Copy Now of
Dean James E. fawey's
"The Wah Egull Story-
How to win Friends And
Manipulate People "
"Learn how a kindly, modest Dean of Student Follies
'encourages' students to participate in constructive acti­vities
by setting the example himself. In these trying
times when the academic reputation of many schools has
gone up in flames, Fawey's solution is refreshing. Read
how he boosted his school's academic reputation by chas­ing
Miss Auburn through the halls of a campus building to
promote a charitable cause! Read how he thrilled stu­dents
at a concert by standing on his head and singing
'I'm a Ding Dong Daddy From Kalamazoo." Read all
about his magic words—'Wah Egull'—and how he uses
them for the best interests of all concerned.
—from a review in The Midnite Inquirer
"Hilarious"—from a review in The New Yorker
Joseph McCarthy Press $1.50
Now In Paperback
page 7 April 1, 1973 THE AUBURN PLAINSPERSON
Athletic director
sets new policies
Athletic Director P. Gayley
announced last week that, be­ginning
this quarter, all Ath­letic
Department policies will
be completely revamped to
keep pace with the world-wide
trend toward peace and bro­therhood.
Gayley will be the key figure
in coordinating-and orienting
the various coaching staffs
toward the new policies.
"From now on," he said, "our
policy will be: It's not whether
you win or lose but how you
play the game."
In recent years the Athletic
Department has grossed at
least $6 million per year from
sale of tickets. "It's time we
start spreading a little of our
wealth around," commented
Gayley. "Football tickets will
no longer be sold. Admission to
games will be put on a first-come
first-served basis. We
want people to come out and
enjoy the good clean fun and
excitement of sports."
According to football coacn
Salt Jordan, the football team
plans to support itself by a
fund-raising drive this
summer. There are plans in the
making for a bake sale and a
car wash. Any surplus funds
from the drive will be put into a
scholarship fund for football
players.
Auburn's new basketball
coach Dub Bavis told The
Plainsperson as of press time
that he had no plans for fund-raising
for the basketball team
yet. He indicated, however,
that he is seriously consider­ing
having the team sell kisses
if enough booths and ladders
(for the customers) can be
found.
Coach Sweetie Umbach has
okayed popcorn-selling as his
team's project. Additional pro­jects,
he indicated, being con­sidered
include baby sitting
and a fashion show.
Golf coach Tony Dragon has
come up with a clever device to
support his team. Sacrificing
his own time he has offered to
give golf lessons to all the stu­dents
on campus for a nomi­nal
fee. For the men it will be
only $10 a lesson and for the
women $.75. Dragon also
plans to teach night golf to the
coeds. He had earlier planned
to go on the pro tour but de­cided
this would be more re­warding.
Baseball coach Paola Nix
has decided to take some of the
fastest players off his new
speedy baseball team and race
them at Hialeah between the
dogs. Nix commented that "we
won't stand much of a chance
of catching the rabbit but
people will be interested in see­ing
us try."
Gayley said he was pleased
with the attitude the coaches
are taking toward the new poli­cies
and feels more schools
should try to adopt them also.
Secret weapon
Coach Mel Hosen surprised Auburn people with
his new secret weapon discus thrower Harry
Chest. Chest holds the NCAA record for heaving.
Big Ernie turns down
professional contract
Hockey action is hard, heavy
Hockey action was hard and
heavy this week on the plains,
as SN whipped KA 6-1, OPP
put the freeze on ATO 3-1, AEP
slashed LCA 7-2, and DTD
creamed OTS 4-2.
An interesting factor in the
OPP-ATO game was that it
had to be stopped midway
through the second period
when one of the ATOs got the
puck shot into his mouth and
referees were unable to re­trieve
it. Since the intramu-rals
department has only one
puck, the game ended, giving
OPP the win.
Another sport that has been
big this spring is hurling, a
rough game that has been very
popular in Ireland and on cer­tain
islands in the Pacific. The
scores this week were 7-1,3-2,4-
2, and an upset 4-3.
The Intramurals depart­ment
would like to announce
that the final deadline for fall
sports such as football, volley­ball,
and taffy pulling was yes­terday
but it will be extended
due to lack of previous unin-terest.
Coach Herb Gumdrop has
decided that all the monies for
club sports will be awarded on
alternate years so each squad
has a chance to travel. This
year all the funds will go to the
fencing club and applications
for next year's money can be
filed now in the intramurals of­fice.
The new times for the stu­dent
activities building will be
24 hours a day Monday
through Saturday* To reserve
a tennis court people are re­quested
to call. and reserve
them three weeks in advance.
Auburn's magnificent giant,
who could become Ernie
"Million" Magger by signing a
pro basketball contract has
told the Auburn Plainsperson
that there'll be no deal until
1974.
"I'm not playing pro basket­ball
next year," Magger said.
"I have decided there is plenty
of time left to earn a living, but
now is my time to take it easy
and enjoy life."
There had been rumors that
Magger, often compared to
Wilt Chamberlain and Kareem
Abdul-Jabbar, would go
straight to the pros upon his
graduation, but this specula­tion
was ended today at Mag­ger's
news conference.
The Philadelphia 76er's who
have the No. 1 draft pick in the
National Basketball Associa­tion,
were ready to pay Magger
a bundle to skip his final
season as a Tiger.
"The big black-head," as he
is often referred, was respon­sible
for Auburn winning its
eighth NCAA championship
in the last nine years this year
in St. Louis.
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Fast 3 Day Service
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THE AUBURN PLAINSPERSON April 1, 1973 page 8
Liberal local ministers
vote to believe in God
By Samuel B. Liever
Plainsman Staff Writer
The five liberal campus
members composing the Pro­gressive
Ministerial Associa­tion
handed down a 3-2 deci­sion
Sunday in favor of believ­ing
in God.
"We thought it was im­portant
to get as close to God
as possible," said the Rev. Mod
St. Clair of the Epistomology
Student Center. "After all, we
haven't heard from him in a
while and we thought it would
only be fair to give him a
chance to defend himself.
Everyone is entitled to a fair
trial—even God," he added.
The liberal ministers have
recently been accused of "get­ting
farther away from God"
by conservative groups such
as the Mary Magdeline Society
and the Campus Jesus Drive.
But, according to the Rev.
George Tell-it-like-it-is, a dis­senter
in the vote, that is not
the case at all.
"We believe in God," said
Rev. Tell-it-like-it-is, "and al­ways
have. The reason I voted
against the issue is because to
have voted 'yes' would have
been an indication that I didn't
believe in God beforehand."
Rev. Walter Poverty, of the
Baptizing Student Center said
that students are ignorant of
the fact that God comes in "dif­ferent
packages such as abor­tion
counseling, anti-war cam­paigns,
amnesty and en­counter
marathons."
"Whenever we push one of
these," added the Rev. James
Would-you-believe, "you know
we're pushing God."
The Rev. Charles Brit of the
Auburn National Church who
often invites God into his
sanctuary, said he is glad to
see that the liberal ministers
have come to grips with the
problem.
Rev. Brit attributes the high
attendance at his church to
God's presence and to the
brand new drive-in worship
windows installed at Auburn
National.
—Jim Pester
Calendar person
"Little boys can be pretty, too" is the credo of the first
weekly Plainsperson calendar boy, SGA Vice-president
Tommi Phillips. The Plainsperson will henceforth fea­ture
pretty little boys in its feature photographs, instead
of sultry, sexy females as before, and all of Tommi's
friends are really excited! Tommi, who spends a lot of
time shoveling in the middle of the woods, has blue
eyes, black hair and a 40- 34Vfe-36 figure.
April My daily reminder
KIDDIE 1 *
/vj/J-TJAEE ?
fyToMi'cP
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SWOOT
STAFF
Marijuana to be
distributed free
at SGA concerts
Hoping to change the image
of Auburn as a "straight" con­cert
town, the Student Govern­ment
Association and the So­cial
Life Committee will pass
out free marijuana cigarettes
at the Partridge Family con­cert
next Thursday night.
SGA Entertainment Direc­tor
Dave Shierer said "people
need a lift to appreciate a
group as heavy as the Par­tridges."
Instructions on . how to
smoke a reefer will also be dis­tributed
at the gates.
Shierer hopes that the ex­periment
will "whet students'
appetites " for other "heavy"
groups. If the concert is a suc­cess,
Shierer will try to book
the Jackson Five, the Os­monds,
Mantovani, and Peter
Nero.
Sinatra to give
benefit for SSI
Legendary night-club per­former
and show-biz great
Frank Sinatra will come out of
retirement to do a benefit con-
| cert for Auburn's Student Ser­vices
Incorporated, (SSI) April
23. The appearance of Sinatra
was announced amid a recent
furor over alledged under­world
connections within the
organization. The Federal Bu­reau
of Investigation is cur­rently
investigating the
charges of mafia contacts.
President of SSI, Jerry Batt-salini,
said, when asked how
they were able to obtain Sinat­ra,
"We made him an offer he
couldn't refuse."
Sinatra himself was asked if
SSI took its orders directly
from the international Costra
Nostra, and he said, "Naw, I
don't think so; probably it's the
other way aroun'."
When asked how it felt to
come out of retirement, he
punched the reporter in the
mouth.
Battsalini, when asked if the
Sinatra contract had been fi­nalized,
exclaimed, "There
ain't no contract, you screw!
We want him alive."
Polyester ? Hell no...
It's 100 per cent plastic !
poly-wreck
STARTS
TOMORROW'
CENTURIONS
IS A FAST MOVING
POWERHOUSE!"
SEE THE ACTION !
Parking Tickets !
Bicycle Permits !
Dorm Doormen !
Concert
Surveillance !
You Don't Want
To Hiss This Oat I
* Bring S Parking Tickets
and Get in Free !
1001k Visitor Will Receive
A-Zone Slicker III
(CHIEF MILLARD COSTUM aid his sidekick
SGT. SMIF
AetWf Answer It WW HAMY .'