1863-05-31: Miller, John J., to Burd, Mary Elizabeth, Letter |
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[page 1] Fourth & Elm Street St. Louis Mo. May the 31st 1863 My little Darling, Your Grandpa called to see me this morning and gave me your kind letter and I should have sent a few lines out to you by him but as I intended writing you a long letter this evening. I would not be so impolite as to occupy my time in that way while he was present. Lizzie, I was very glad to get your note for I was beginning to feel – almost - as if I was neglected. And you have really got the chills at last have you? [page 2] Well I'm glad it's no worse and yet your having that cough troubles me. Oh! Lizzie you ought — I beg you for my sake – to take good care of your-self. What are you doing for yourself to break up those chills and the cough? Nothing? or what is the same thing are you taking the fifty-nine thous- andth part of a grain of nothing dissolved in a quart of water one half of a drop of which is to be administered once evry other day? That's the kind of treatment you like I believe? My idea about it is that both coughs and chills demand prompt and active treatment. Don't think by any means that I am fishing [page 3] for a "call." But I'll tell you the truth Lizzie that if I was your Doctor and wishes were medicine, I'd soon have you hartier, healthier rounder and plumper than any little "country lassie" that is to be found in all the Missippi Valley. But I forget your horror of looking harty (for fear of looking "country-fied") Yet Lizzie — as I have often told you — looks are nothing, beauty's but skin deep. "It is not while beauty and youth are thine own, And thy cheeks unprofaned by a tear, That the fervor and faith of a soul can be known, To which time will but make thee more dear; No, the heart that has truly lov'd never forgets, But as truly loves on to the close, As the sunflower turns on her god, when he sets The same look which she turn'd when he rose." [page 4] Lizzie, owing to one little circumstance I can't say but that I felt rather chagrined than proud at seeing my name inscribed as you had it in your note. What do you think the Capt of 2nd Battery M S G (if there is such a battery) would say and think of me if he was to see that? No Lizzie it was a mistake. I never belonged to 2nd or any other battery. The position I occupied was that of a Drill Officer in the 2nd Division M. S. G. with the rank of Captain. I felt mortified because I knew that all persons acquainted with the organization of the state Guard would know that I was not Capt 2nd Battery and would very rightly judge me an imposter. [page 5] I wrote a note to Capt. Lonergan - the keeper of the Prison and stated these facts to him and he replied that it was a mistake in the paper and that he would have it corrected but I see it has not yet been done. And you were really proud of me were you? Well Darling I only wish I was worthy of it. In regard to what you said about my writing I don't know What is best to do about it. I believe you will be better satisfied if I don't write at all, for if I should have an opportunity to write once and then should not have another for a long time you would then immagine that I was sick, not getting along well or what would be worse than either that I [page 6] was "neglecting" you; none of which might be the case the latter most-shurely would not; whereas if you knew I was not giving to write at all you would immagine nothing of the kind and would be much better satisfied. What think you? However if you insist upon it I shall write whenever I think I can do so without implicating you. In regard to my picture you know I have not inten- tionally neglected you but really Lizzie I am afraid I will have to go off without leaving you a single picture of myself but it will not be my fault if I do. My parole would not admit of my [page 7] going to a gallery to have my picture taken and unless they give me the limits of the city or a special permit — which they are not likely to do, I cannot have it taken. I should have had it taken when they first paroled me, but I was so sure of getting an unlim- ited parole that I thought I would wait and have it taken in my uniform - as I thought you would like that better. So you see it was a desire to please you at last that prevented me from having it taken and shurely you would not think hard of me if I did not succeede in getting it? As dearly as I would love to see you Lizzie, I could not of course insist upon your doing that to which you so much object Be assured I fully appreciate your feelings, and respect you for them. You doubtless misunder- stood me though in regard to keeping your "face straight" I did not presume for a moment - of course - to think but that you could keep your "face straight" on seeing me, but the idea I wished to convey was that if you would act as if you thought nothing of your cousin, no-one else would. That was all. I do not wish you to extend the invitation to the young ladies as I suppose they would come [page 8] with out an invitation if they desired to come and did not think they would be exposing them selves. So please say nothing about it. I believe I told you Delle was to see me. I felt my-self quite honored this evening by a call from Will Ober - as he had to tear or tare - how do you spell it - himself a way from his loving bride in order to make the call. He seemed very happy and con- tented, but why shouldn't he be I know if I was only unighted in the holy bonds of Weddlock with the dear little being I love so much I should be happy too. My Darling Lizzie the time is drawin nigh when I may possibly be sent back to prison and lest they should send me before I have another chance of writing. I wish to say these few parting words to you. We have now known each other a long time; have loved each other for a long time. I may have at times been unkind to you if so it was owing to misconceived notions of mine and I beg your forgiveness God knows I have never willfully or maliciously wounded your feelings. You may think, dear one, that my having decided upon my present course of action is an act of unkindness towards you, but surely you should not Placed in the condition that I am I could not well do other-wise with-out sacrifizing all honor, all principles and all rights to the title of a man a free-man at least and then I should justly forfeit [page 9] all titles to your respect much less your heart and hand. As to whether or not I have loved you with all the ferver of my soul, as to whether I have been constant, faithful and true to you or not I call upon your own kind and true heart to answer. This much I will say though Lizzie that God being my Judge if I know mine own heart. That when my lifes blood is ebbing low and my soul is about to take its eternal flight and leave this form a quivering mass of clay - if I cannot before God point out why it should be otherwise - Your name shall be warm upon my lips and your deeply engraven image upon my soul Shall be borne with it to its eternal abode. I shall not ask you for a pledge of your constancy. I know you love me. That's enough. All this once said will not be necessary to be repeated but I wished to say as much to you some time or other. Lizzie so whether I leave tomorrow or six months hence it will be all the same. I shall endeavor I am to be a much better boy than I have been. Please aid me by your prayers and be assured I shall constantly hold you [page 10] up before the Throne of Grace if my prayers will avail any thing Lizzie I sincerely hope you will be up soon So as you can enjoy your company that you are going to have shurely you can not get lonesome then and I would advise you to seek a good deal of company. I shall deliver your message to Delle as soon as she comes down. Lizzie it is very late so I must go to bed and try and get a little sleep. I will not put this in the office as I said for fear it might not get to you. What do you think your Pa will think though of my making a P.O. out of his store? I shall write again if I have an opportunity. Please answer this as soon as you are able. Peaceful and pleasant dreams to you and may you awake much refreshed and a thorough convalescent. Believe me dear Lizzie I am ever Your most true and affectionate friend till Death Johnnie "Goodnight"
Object Description
Description
Title | 1863-05-31: Miller, John J., to Burd, Mary Elizabeth, Letter |
Creator | Miller, John J. 1842- |
LC Subject Headings |
Miller, John J. 1842- Burd, Mary Elizabeth Confederate States of America. Army. Missouri State Guard United States--History--Civil War, 1861-1865 |
EOA Categories |
History – 1838-1874: Sectionalism, the Civil War and Reconstruction Peoples -- Military Life Government and Politics -- Military |
Description | Correspondence to and from John J. Miller documenting his imprisonment at Johnson’s Island, Ohio and military duties at Richmond, Virginia. Includes letters from his father James Miller and brother William J. Miller in St. Louis, and Mary Elizabeth Burd, later his wife, from Oakland, Missouri. Miller held the rank of captain and served as a surgeon in Company B, 12th Cavalry, Missouri State Guard (Confederate) during the Civil War. During the war, he was wounded, captured, and imprisoned. He lost a leg as a result of the wound. |
Digital Publisher | Auburn University Libraries |
Date | 1863-05-31 |
Original Format | 1 letter, 10 pages |
Type | Text |
Format | |
Original Item ID | RG 0505 |
Rights | This image is the property of the Auburn University Libraries and is intended for non-commercial use. Users of the image are asked to acknowledge the Auburn University Libraries. For information about obtaining high-resolution copies of this and other images in this collection, please contact the Auburn University Libraries Special Collections & Archives Department at archives@auburn.edu or (334) 844-1732. |
Relation With | www.american-south.org |
Finding Aid | http://content.lib.auburn.edu/u?/findingaids,408 |
Language | eng |
File Name | Miller JJ 01.pdf |
Collection | John J. Miller Papers |
Repository | Auburn University Libraries. Special Collections and Archives. |
Submitted by | Hicks, Joyce; Thornton, Linda; Galati, Leslie Ann; Coates, Midge |
Transcript | [page 1] Fourth & Elm Street St. Louis Mo. May the 31st 1863 My little Darling, Your Grandpa called to see me this morning and gave me your kind letter and I should have sent a few lines out to you by him but as I intended writing you a long letter this evening. I would not be so impolite as to occupy my time in that way while he was present. Lizzie, I was very glad to get your note for I was beginning to feel – almost - as if I was neglected. And you have really got the chills at last have you? [page 2] Well I'm glad it's no worse and yet your having that cough troubles me. Oh! Lizzie you ought — I beg you for my sake – to take good care of your-self. What are you doing for yourself to break up those chills and the cough? Nothing? or what is the same thing are you taking the fifty-nine thous- andth part of a grain of nothing dissolved in a quart of water one half of a drop of which is to be administered once evry other day? That's the kind of treatment you like I believe? My idea about it is that both coughs and chills demand prompt and active treatment. Don't think by any means that I am fishing [page 3] for a "call." But I'll tell you the truth Lizzie that if I was your Doctor and wishes were medicine, I'd soon have you hartier, healthier rounder and plumper than any little "country lassie" that is to be found in all the Missippi Valley. But I forget your horror of looking harty (for fear of looking "country-fied") Yet Lizzie — as I have often told you — looks are nothing, beauty's but skin deep. "It is not while beauty and youth are thine own, And thy cheeks unprofaned by a tear, That the fervor and faith of a soul can be known, To which time will but make thee more dear; No, the heart that has truly lov'd never forgets, But as truly loves on to the close, As the sunflower turns on her god, when he sets The same look which she turn'd when he rose." [page 4] Lizzie, owing to one little circumstance I can't say but that I felt rather chagrined than proud at seeing my name inscribed as you had it in your note. What do you think the Capt of 2nd Battery M S G (if there is such a battery) would say and think of me if he was to see that? No Lizzie it was a mistake. I never belonged to 2nd or any other battery. The position I occupied was that of a Drill Officer in the 2nd Division M. S. G. with the rank of Captain. I felt mortified because I knew that all persons acquainted with the organization of the state Guard would know that I was not Capt 2nd Battery and would very rightly judge me an imposter. [page 5] I wrote a note to Capt. Lonergan - the keeper of the Prison and stated these facts to him and he replied that it was a mistake in the paper and that he would have it corrected but I see it has not yet been done. And you were really proud of me were you? Well Darling I only wish I was worthy of it. In regard to what you said about my writing I don't know What is best to do about it. I believe you will be better satisfied if I don't write at all, for if I should have an opportunity to write once and then should not have another for a long time you would then immagine that I was sick, not getting along well or what would be worse than either that I [page 6] was "neglecting" you; none of which might be the case the latter most-shurely would not; whereas if you knew I was not giving to write at all you would immagine nothing of the kind and would be much better satisfied. What think you? However if you insist upon it I shall write whenever I think I can do so without implicating you. In regard to my picture you know I have not inten- tionally neglected you but really Lizzie I am afraid I will have to go off without leaving you a single picture of myself but it will not be my fault if I do. My parole would not admit of my [page 7] going to a gallery to have my picture taken and unless they give me the limits of the city or a special permit — which they are not likely to do, I cannot have it taken. I should have had it taken when they first paroled me, but I was so sure of getting an unlim- ited parole that I thought I would wait and have it taken in my uniform - as I thought you would like that better. So you see it was a desire to please you at last that prevented me from having it taken and shurely you would not think hard of me if I did not succeede in getting it? As dearly as I would love to see you Lizzie, I could not of course insist upon your doing that to which you so much object Be assured I fully appreciate your feelings, and respect you for them. You doubtless misunder- stood me though in regard to keeping your "face straight" I did not presume for a moment - of course - to think but that you could keep your "face straight" on seeing me, but the idea I wished to convey was that if you would act as if you thought nothing of your cousin, no-one else would. That was all. I do not wish you to extend the invitation to the young ladies as I suppose they would come [page 8] with out an invitation if they desired to come and did not think they would be exposing them selves. So please say nothing about it. I believe I told you Delle was to see me. I felt my-self quite honored this evening by a call from Will Ober - as he had to tear or tare - how do you spell it - himself a way from his loving bride in order to make the call. He seemed very happy and con- tented, but why shouldn't he be I know if I was only unighted in the holy bonds of Weddlock with the dear little being I love so much I should be happy too. My Darling Lizzie the time is drawin nigh when I may possibly be sent back to prison and lest they should send me before I have another chance of writing. I wish to say these few parting words to you. We have now known each other a long time; have loved each other for a long time. I may have at times been unkind to you if so it was owing to misconceived notions of mine and I beg your forgiveness God knows I have never willfully or maliciously wounded your feelings. You may think, dear one, that my having decided upon my present course of action is an act of unkindness towards you, but surely you should not Placed in the condition that I am I could not well do other-wise with-out sacrifizing all honor, all principles and all rights to the title of a man a free-man at least and then I should justly forfeit [page 9] all titles to your respect much less your heart and hand. As to whether or not I have loved you with all the ferver of my soul, as to whether I have been constant, faithful and true to you or not I call upon your own kind and true heart to answer. This much I will say though Lizzie that God being my Judge if I know mine own heart. That when my lifes blood is ebbing low and my soul is about to take its eternal flight and leave this form a quivering mass of clay - if I cannot before God point out why it should be otherwise - Your name shall be warm upon my lips and your deeply engraven image upon my soul Shall be borne with it to its eternal abode. I shall not ask you for a pledge of your constancy. I know you love me. That's enough. All this once said will not be necessary to be repeated but I wished to say as much to you some time or other. Lizzie so whether I leave tomorrow or six months hence it will be all the same. I shall endeavor I am to be a much better boy than I have been. Please aid me by your prayers and be assured I shall constantly hold you [page 10] up before the Throne of Grace if my prayers will avail any thing Lizzie I sincerely hope you will be up soon So as you can enjoy your company that you are going to have shurely you can not get lonesome then and I would advise you to seek a good deal of company. I shall deliver your message to Delle as soon as she comes down. Lizzie it is very late so I must go to bed and try and get a little sleep. I will not put this in the office as I said for fear it might not get to you. What do you think your Pa will think though of my making a P.O. out of his store? I shall write again if I have an opportunity. Please answer this as soon as you are able. Peaceful and pleasant dreams to you and may you awake much refreshed and a thorough convalescent. Believe me dear Lizzie I am ever Your most true and affectionate friend till Death Johnnie "Goodnight" |