Miller, John J. Letters (1863-1865)

              [page 1]
Fourth & Elm Street St. Louis Mo. 
May the 31st 1863 

My little Darling, 

Your Grandpa 
called to see me this morning 
and gave me your kind letter 
and I should have sent a 
few lines out to you by him 
but as I intended writing you 
a long letter this evening. I 
would not be so impolite as to 
occupy my time in that way 
while he was present.

Lizzie, I was very glad to 
get your note for I was 
beginning to feel – almost - 
as if I was neglected. 

And you have really got 
the chills at last have you? 


[page 2]
Well I'm glad it's no worse 
and yet your having that 
cough troubles me. Oh! Lizzie 
you ought — I beg you for my 
sake – to take good care of 
your-self. What are you doing 
for yourself to break up those 
chills and the cough? Nothing? 
or what is the same thing are 
you taking the fifty-nine thous- 
andth part of a grain of nothing 
dissolved in a quart of water 
one half of a drop of which 
is to be administered once 
evry other day? That's the kind 
of treatment you like I believe? 
My idea about it is that 
both coughs and chills 
demand prompt and active 
treatment. Don't think 
by any means that I am fishing 


[page 3]
for a "call." But I'll tell 
you the truth Lizzie that if 
I was your Doctor and 
wishes were medicine, I'd 
soon have you hartier, healthier 
rounder and plumper than 
any little "country lassie" that 
is to be found in all the 
Missippi Valley. But I forget 
your horror of looking harty 
(for fear of looking "country-fied") 
Yet Lizzie — as I have often told you — 
looks are nothing, beauty's but skin deep. 

"It is not while beauty and youth are thine own, 
And thy cheeks unprofaned by a tear, 
That the fervor and faith of a soul can be known, 
To which time will but make thee more dear; 
No, the heart that has truly lov'd never forgets, 
But as truly loves on to the close, 
As the sunflower turns on her god, when he sets 
The same look which she turn'd when he rose." 


[page 4]
Lizzie, owing to one little 
circumstance I can't say but 
that I felt rather chagrined 
than proud at seeing my 
name inscribed as you had it 
in your note. What do you think 
the Capt of 2nd Battery M S G (if there is 
such a battery) would say and 
think of me if he was to see 
that? No Lizzie it was a mistake. 
I never belonged to 2nd or any 
other battery. The position I occupied 
was that of a Drill Officer in the 
2nd Division M. S. G. with the 
rank of Captain. I felt mortified 
because I knew that all persons 
acquainted with the organization 
of the state Guard would know 
that I was not Capt 2nd Battery 
and would very rightly judge 
me an imposter.


[page 5]
I wrote a note to Capt. Lonergan 
- the keeper of the Prison and 
stated these facts to him and 
he replied that it was a 
mistake in the paper and 
that he would have it corrected 
but I see it has not yet been done. 
And you were really proud of me 
were you? Well Darling I only 
wish I was worthy of it. 

In regard to what you said 
about my writing I don't know 
What is best to do about it. I believe 
you will be better satisfied if I 
don't write at all, for if I should 
have an opportunity to write 
once and then should not 
have another for a long time 
you would then immagine 
that I was sick, not getting 
along well or what would 
be worse than either that I 


[page 6]
was 
"neglecting" you; none of 
which might be the case 
the latter most-shurely would 
not; whereas if you knew 
I was not giving to write at all 
you would immagine nothing 
of the kind and would be 
much better satisfied. 

What think you? However if 
you insist upon it I shall 
write whenever I think I 
can do so without implicating 
you. In regard to my picture 
you know I have not inten- 
tionally neglected you 
but really Lizzie I am 
afraid I will have to go 
off without leaving you 
a single picture of myself 
but it will not be my 
fault if I do. My parole 
would not admit of my 


[page 7]
going to a gallery to have 
my picture taken and unless 
they give me the limits of 
the city or a special permit 
— which they are not likely to do, 
I cannot have it taken. 
I should have had it taken 
when they first paroled me, but 
I was so sure of getting an unlim- 
ited parole that I thought I 
would wait and have it taken 
in my uniform - as I thought 
you would like that better. So you 
see it was a desire to please you 
at last that prevented me from 
having it taken and shurely 
you would not think hard of me 
if I did not succeede in getting 
it? As dearly as I would love 
to see you Lizzie, I could not 
of course insist upon your doing 
that to which you so much object 
Be assured I fully appreciate 
your feelings, and respect you 
for them. You doubtless misunder- 
stood me though in regard 
to keeping your "face straight" 
I did not presume for a moment 
- of course - to think but that you 
could keep your "face straight" 
on seeing me, but the idea I 
wished to convey was that 
if you would act as if you 
thought nothing of your cousin, 
no-one else would. That was 
all. I do not wish you to extend 
the invitation to the young ladies 
as I suppose they would come 


[page 8]
with out an invitation if they 
desired to come and did not 
think they would be exposing 
them selves. So please say nothing 
about it. I believe I told you 
Delle was to see me. I felt my-self 
quite honored this evening 
by a call from Will Ober - as he 
had to tear or tare - how do you spell it - 
himself a way from his loving bride 
in order to make the call. 
He seemed very happy and con- 
tented, but why shouldn't he be 
I know if I was only unighted 
in the holy bonds of Weddlock 
with the dear little being I love so 
much I should be happy too. 
My Darling Lizzie the time is drawin nigh 
when I may possibly be sent back to 
prison and lest they should send me before 
I have another chance of writing. I 
wish to say these few parting words to you. 
We have now known each other a 
long time; have loved each other for a 
long time. I may have at times 
been unkind to you if so it was 
owing to misconceived notions 
of mine and I beg your forgiveness 
God knows I have never willfully 
or maliciously wounded your 
feelings. You may think, dear one, 
that my having decided upon 
my present course of action is 
an act of unkindness towards 
you, but surely you should not 
Placed in the condition that I 
am I could not well do 
other-wise with-out sacrifizing 
all honor, all principles and 
all rights to the title of a man 
a free-man at least and 
then I should justly forfeit 


[page 9]
all titles to your respect much 
less your heart and hand. 
As to whether or not I have loved 
you with all the ferver of my soul, 
as to whether I have been constant, 
faithful and true to you or not 
I call upon your own kind and 
true heart to answer. 

This much I will say though Lizzie 
that God being my Judge if I know 
mine own heart. That when my 
lifes blood is ebbing low and my 
soul is about to take its eternal flight 
and leave this form a quivering 
mass of clay - if I cannot before 
God point out why it should be 
otherwise - Your name shall be warm 
upon my lips and your deeply 
engraven image upon my soul 
Shall be borne with it to its 
eternal abode. I shall not 
ask you for a pledge of your 
constancy. I know you love 
me. That's enough. All this once 
said will not be necessary to be 
repeated but I wished to say as 
much to you some time or other. 
Lizzie so whether I leave tomorrow 
or six months hence it will be all 
the same. I shall endeavor I am 
to be a much better boy than I have 
been. Please aid me by your 
prayers and be assured I 
shall constantly hold you 


[page 10]
up before the Throne of Grace if 
my prayers will avail any thing 
Lizzie I sincerely hope you will 
be up soon So as you can 
enjoy your company that you 
are going to have shurely you 
can not get lonesome then and 
I would advise you to seek a 
good deal of company. I shall 
deliver your message to Delle 
as soon as she comes down. 
Lizzie it is very late so I must 
go to bed and try and get a little 
sleep. I will not put this in 
the office as I said for fear it 
might not get to you. 

What do you think your Pa will think 
though of my making a P.O. out 
of his store? I shall write again 
if I have an opportunity. Please 
answer this as soon as you are able. 
Peaceful and pleasant dreams to 
you and may you awake much 
refreshed and a thorough 
convalescent. 

Believe me dear Lizzie I am ever 

Your most true and affectionate 
friend till Death 

Johnnie 

"Goodnight"